And Other Animal Advice for Humans


Zoo Atlanta (SatireWire.com) — Nations are at war. Economies are weak. Male strippers have officially entertained the Queen Mother. Humanity now faces, as Washington Irving once said so prophetically after falling down drunk into a cistern, a “dark hour of adversity.”

But this is not the case in the rest of the animal kingdom. There is strife, yes. There is death, certainly. But there have been no “recessions,” no “postal crises,” no documented acts of genocide. So it seemed wise, even prudent, to seek counsel from the animal kingdom; these multifarious species, many of which predate humankind and have survived cataclysms far worse than our present imaginings.

The only question was, would they? After all, for the last few millennia, mankind itself has been the primary exgenitor of most animal species. Why would they wish to advise and abet the very enemy without whom they might prosper? Why would they cede the secrets of their stamina to those who seem to care so little for their kind?

Because we threatened to kill them.



“I’m a little close to the situation, evolution-wise, so perhaps I’m not objective, but I think Nietzsche was onto something when he said, and I’ll paraphrase, that liberal institutions are the enemies of freedom. Liberal institutions do nothing to ensure freedom, if you consider the “freedom to live” as paramount. If you accept that, you realize that liberal institutions, the paladins of so-called “equality,” do not ensure the healthy propagation of the species, but safeguard the propagation of the physically unfit. I’ll cite an example: You made Gary Coleman an icon. We would have eaten him at birth.

“Unless humans overcome this tendency, they are doomed. And I don’t think they are capable of overcoming it, which is why I’m always bemused when I hear humans say, “We’d better watch out, or we’ll all be swinging from the trees again.” Well, not in my neighborhood, ’cause we’d kick your ass”



“Humans do not satisfy their queen. You must satisfy your Queen. You must service your Queen. You must do it with your Queen until your reproductive organs fall out and you die.”




“I hold little hope for humans unless they end their blind acceptance of millennia of fallacious theological dogma. For example, I recall nibbling through the Bible once – someone had left a bit of Triscuit on John 12:35 – where I saw the most perilously capricious statement: “Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you.”

“Hello? You must run from the light. You must scatter, for the light means danger.

“And also, developing an exoskeleton wouldn’t hurt.”



“Dogs fight, don’t let anyone tell you different. We even run in packs, occasionally. But one thing we would never do is become dependent upon an economic system that lacks true redundancy. You brag about your global, networked economy and how it is less susceptible to collapse because various aspects overlap or can operate independently. But you don’t really have a workable backup system like dogs. Our economy is relatively simple, I grant you. It’s based on the acquisition of food. We try to find food, but if that fails, if we are unsuccessful, we have a viable, available alternative. We eat our own shit. You, in contrast, try to get your loans restructured by the World Bank.”



“I see humanity’s problem as classically Emersonian: Man has allowed materialism to severe his relationship with his natural instincts. Take your reaction to me. I’m a fly, so you want to kill me. Fair enough. That’s a natural instinct. But when faced with opportunity, you don’t always act. Say I alight on a chair. You grab a magazine and are about to smash the life out of me, but then you are stopped by materialism. ‘Oh wait,’ you think, ‘this is the current New Yorker. I haven’t read it yet.’

“Swat first, ask questions later, that’s my advice. I hope you don’t take it”



“You must ask yourself, ‘Do I live in a safely enclosed area where I am well fed and admired and cheered when I have sex?’ If this is not your arrangement, then you are doing something wrong. But you must always beware the zookeeper with the cold fingers.”



“Humans have to stop treating each other like they treat us ants. Think about it. If we build, say, a pair of very tall structures, like two anthills side-by-side, some stupid human swoops in out of nowhere and knocks them down. I have no sense of irony, I’m just an ant. But if I did, I’m sure I’d notice that.”

THE DOOR: ( Arguably not an animal )


“No point beating around the bush with this, so I’ll be direct: You’ve got to be well hung. Oddly enough, humans have a vestigial grasp of this, but typically, they’ve gone and distorted it to where it’s considered an opinion, and not a fact of life. But believe me, it all hinges on being well hung.

“And none of that putting a little skirt round your bottom to fill the gap if you’re a bit on the short end. If you’re hung well and straight, you don’t need to be wearing any skirt. And I’d have to say the same about being one of those that swings both ways. Seems good fun at first, but one way or the other, someone’s gonna get hurt.”

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