GREENLAND (SatireWire.com) — Scientists today said ice melt in the Arctic is perhaps much worse than previously thought, reaching their conclusion after a massive slab of glacier fell into the sea to expose the message: “If you can read this, you’re screwed.”
Written in letters 200 feet tall, the message was hidden deep inside Greenland’s massive Jakobshavn glacier, which formed 100,000 years ago and is one of the fastest melting ice sheets in the world.
“We don’t know who left that message or exactly when, but it’s pretty clear that whoever did was issuing a wake-up call,” said Danish glaciologist Dr. Tomas Frabil. “People can argue about the numbers surrounding global warming, but when the ice retreats to the point where you can read the words, ‘You’re screwed,’ that is pretty definitive.”
Climate skeptics, however, were quick to downplay the text, suggesting it may be a natural formation or the work of environmental activists. Experts ruled out a hoax, as the glacier calves so often and easily that anyone attempting to rappel down its face to sculpt the letters would die. And while unexpected shapes do appear in nature, no particularly rude words have been observed since lava flowing into the Sunda Strait after the 1883 Krakatoa eruption temporarily spelled out, “Bite me.”
For climatologist Ingrid Linsohm of McGill University, this leaves one conclusion.
“Some far-sighted, ancient civilization left that behind to tell us when we had reached the point of no return, and we’ve reached it. All is lost,” said Linsohm. “So, anybody got any heroin?”
But ExxonMobil Chaplain the Rev. Derrick Speuce had a different take.
“I think God put that message there because He knew it would one day be revealed, which means He knew about the ice melting, which means it was all part of His plan, which means there is no such thing as ‘man-made’ global warming, because it was God’s design all along,” said Rev. Speuce. “In other words, the Lord wants you to drive an Escalade.”
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