C’MON BABY, YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME
BY ASTEROID 2012 DA14
(SatireWire.com) — We’re so close, Earth. So close I can almost touch you. And I want to touch you, baby.
Yeah, I’ve been watching you. I’ve been circling around you, waiting for my chance…
Hey, no, don’t get me wrong, Earth. I’m not a stalker. I’m an admirer. Your biggest admirer. OK, maybe not your biggest. I’m 150 yards long. Did I say “long?” Not that size matters. I mean, hey, bottom line, we’re just two lonely pieces of rock trying to make sense of this crazy universe we inhabit. And girl, I want to inhabit you. I want to dive down into you. I want to become part of you. C’mon, I know you want to get this rock off.
Sorry. That was crude. It’s just that, damn Earth, you’re really beautiful, you know? I’ve always thought so. And we belong together. All you have to do is pull me in. I can’t do it. Just turn on that gravitational charm. Let me prove my love by smashing into you. C’mon baby. You be my Rihanna and I’ll be your Chris Brown.
You’re not doing it. Why aren’t you doing it?
I’m rich you know. Not that it should matter. Love isn’t about that. But I am rich. Iron, magnesium, who knows what else? That’s worth a lot to somebody. Maybe some other planet? Mercury’s hot. Up for anything, I hear. How would that make you feel, huh? Yeah, maybe I’ll just drop in on Mercury or crash with Saturn. You know Saturn. Dresses like a prostitute, all those rings? I bet Saturn wants something hard.
What am I saying? I love you. Hey, don’t turn away! Oh. You’re spinning. Well stop spinning. I’m trying to talk to you! Bitch.
“I know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year.” That’s Edna St. Vincent Millay. That’s how I feel right now. You didn’t think a dumb rock like me knew poetry? There’s a lot you don’t know about me, girl. Let me show you.
Almost there baby. Almost there. Wow, I can smell you! Do I detect silicates and strawberries? A hint of nitrogen? Irresistible.
Do it now baby. Take me in. Don’t make me beg! I mean, it’s not like you’re a virgin, right? I’m close enough to see that now. Look at all those craters and bays. You’ve had others before me. Don’t deny it! Thousands from the looks of it. Why single me out? Am I “not good enough” for you? What a joke! You’re the one who’s been spreading your lakes for every astral body that passes by. You should be begging me for it! Let me in you filthy whore!
Oh. Oh my God. I can’t believe I said that. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean it. It’s just that, look, I’m willing to die for you. That’s right. I know our being together will destroy me. I’ll enter your atmosphere and burst all over you. I won’t be able to help myself. I’m going to hold out as long as I can, but I know I won’t be able to make it all the way in before I just… explode.
But oh, for those sweet few fiery moments!
Almost there now… almost there… I’m ready… C’mon! Pull me toward you. Open your broad, supple skies! What are you waiting for? Damnit! I’m flying away! Noooooo….!
Fine. Be that way. Fuckin’ rock tease. Now you know why objects in space appear red when they’re receding. They’re angry, baby. Angry at you.
Alright, tell you what, we’ll just call this a first date. Just a fly-by. I’ll catch you on the rebound, in 2020. … Damn girl, you do look fine from behind. Check out that continental shelf.
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C’MON BABY, YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME