Actual results from HotBot

“I don’t know about you, but my privates are worth a lot to me,” said Hanson. “I would never sell them at cost. That’s demeaning.”

Nearly as demeaning, said Hanson, were results at DirectHit, which invited him to “Join a club about ‘Bobby Hanson’s privates’ at” When he learned that no such club existed, he was relieved, but also disappointed. “It’s like they build you up, right? (They) make you think you’re such a big deal that you’ve got a fan club, and then, poof! ‘Just kidding.'”

Actual results from Direct Hit

A similarly deflating tease appeared at Alta Vista, where one result from a major stock message board site read: “See what savvy investors think about ‘Bobby Hanson’s privates.’ Visit Raging Bull.” It turned out, however, that no one had thoughts on the subject.

Actual results from Alta Vista

Hanson said he doesn’t mind the keyword-driven ads in general; he conducted a few searches with other terms that turned out to be “pretty funny.” He does, however, wish sites would discontinue using his name, particularly Northern Light. At this search site, results are grouped into customized folders containing pages relevant to each query. After typing in “Bobby Hanson’s privates,” 14 folders appeared, including one labeled: “Jackson, Michael.”

Actual results from Northern Light

“I almost threw up,” said Hanson.

Hanson stressed he hasn’t decided what type of action he will take against search engines and directories, but added a lawsuit was not out of the question. “I don’t know enough about this stuff, but all this talk about my privates can’t be legal,” said Hanson. “I’m only 15, for God’s sake. I haven’t even, you know, done it yet.”

Joey Pendleton, Hanson’s classmate and long-time friend, was equally outraged.

“What does he mean he hasn’t ‘done it’ yet?” said Pendleton. “He told me last week he’d done it with Maria Gonzalez twice, and she kept begging… man, I asked her OUT based on that information!”

Reached at her home, Maria Gonzalez was not amused: “Bobby said I did WHAT?”

“When I’m done with that boy, he won’t have any privates to sell on eBay!” added Maria’s father, Oscar Gonzalez.

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