“My Published Comments About Those Evil Pricks Were Misconstrued,” Jackson Says

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Attempting to keep both his reputation and ruling intact, Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson today apologized for his derogatory public remarks about Microsoft, admitting they were “injudicious and unwarranted,” but urged an appeals court not to conclude he was ever biased against the software giant.

Judge Jackson
Judge Jackson

“I had then, and still have today, no personal opinions whatsoever as regards those guilty lying bastards at Microsoft, or the evil prick son of a bitch who runs it,” said Jackson, adding that his earlier negative comments were taken out of context.

Jackson’s ex parte remarks to the press, which include comparing Microsoft to a criminal street gang, and its executives to spoiled children, drew unprecedented wrath from the U.S. Court of Appeals Tuesday. The seven-member appellate court was particularly bothered by Jackson’s statement to a reporter that Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, “has a Napoleonic concept of himself … an arrogance that derives from power and unalloyed success.”

“The system would be a sham if all the judges were doing this,” scolded Chief Appellate Judge Harry Edwards. “We have to be careful about the metaphors we use.”

A contrite Jackson agreed with Edwards, explaining that perhaps Napoleon was the wrong choice. “When I said ‘Napoleon,’ I did not mean to imply that Mr. Gates’ ulterior motive was world conquest or the suppression of democratic principles,” Jackson wrote. “I only meant that he’s a little shit.”

The judges hinted that Jackson, who last year ruled Microsoft was a monopoly and should be broken up, would be removed from the case should it be remanded to a lower court. Microsoft argued that Jackson’s remarks should also cause the entire case to be thrown out. Jackson, however, urged the court to allow him to once again oversee the case, promising to welcome the litigants with an unbiased mind, and pledging to henceforth to preclude himself from making any public comments, derogatory or otherwise, regarding Microsoft.

“This step I would take to preserve the dignity of the bench, to restore integrity in our judicial system, and to prove that in the United States, it is possible even for a bunch of major league assholes to receive a fair trial,” he said.

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