Firm Issues 1000th Study on How Big Corporations Lag the Internet
STAMFORD, CONN. (SatireWire.com) – Consulting firm META Group made history today after an independent panel of judges confirmed its new report — E-Reality Sets In — was the 1,000th study to point out that big business has failed to keep pace with the Internet.
As a result of it’s “ground-retaking” document, META takes home the coveted E-gurgitate Award, designated to go to whomever released the 1000th study on how major corporations are behind when it comes to taking advantage of the Internet. To be eligible, studies not only had to rehash the same theme, but also had to incorporate at least two of the following five phrases: “e-business revolution,” “e-commerce,” “reactive mode,” “lack of resources and corporate commitment,” and “fully realized e-business strategy.” META Group used all five.
META executives said they were “thrilled” to discover they had taken the E-egurgitate, which since being announced in December of 1996 has been vigorously pursued by hundreds of small and large consulting firms across the country.
“It’s impossible to keep track of all these studies, but we knew we were close to the magic number,” said META chief executive Dale Kutnick. “We were afraid maybe we were 998, or 999, but when we heard that Gartner (Group) and Forrester were also finishing studies on this, we said, ‘Hell, release it.’ We figured it if was 996, we could still whip out another one and shoot for 1,000.'”
As it turns out, META’s report appeared on Business Wire just 45 minutes before the release of Forrester’s study, “Business E-ality.” A spokesman for Gartner confirmed it also had completed a similar study, but decided not to publish. “META took the prize, so there’s no point in releasing it now, is there?” said the spokesman.
Among the prizes awarded to META: five lucky consultants will be given a 30-minute billing spree at a Fortune 500 company; a year’s supply of the phrase “paradigm shift”; and a four-paragraph mention in The Wall Street Journal.
“Getting in The Journal, is particularly important,” said Kutnick, who added he was available “any time” for a mug-shot etching by a Journal illustrator. “I’ve even put all these tiny little black dots on my face to save them time,” he said.
Now that the E-gurgitate is no longer an incentive for consulting firms, executives at competitors said they were unsure what to write about.
“We’ve all been so focused on producing different variants of this same study that I don’t know what we’re all going to do now,” said David Jose, managing director of Zona Research. “Maybe something on the importance of customer-relations to ecommerce. That’s only been done 776 times, at last count.”
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