Big Tobacco Can't Afford Verdict; Smokers Must Buy More Cigarettes

Briefs in a Brief

Miami, Fla. ( – Tobacco companies insisted today the record $145 billion verdict against them will bankrupt the industry, but victorious plaintiffs refused to let the enemy off the hook and declared they will buy more cigarettes to keep the defendants in business.

“They think they’re pulling a fast one with this bankruptcy strategy,” said a wheezing Clement Dursley, the plaintiffs’ spokesman. “But we’re all going to up our habits to ten packs a day. Those bastards will be swimming in money, and we want our share of the pool.” Attorneys for both the defendants and the plaintiffs denied they were behind the smokers’ resolution.

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