CONSERVATIVE ROMNEY PICKS MODERATE ROMNEY FOR V.P.

MADISON, WI. (SatireWire.com) -- In a move to “keep his enemies close” while also attracting independent voters, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Severely Conservative Mitt Romney today announced he will choose… Read more

U.S. BOSSES BRACING TO BE TOLD TO FUCK OFF BY LOTTERY WINNER

ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) -- As Americans turn out in droves to purchase tickets for Friday’s $640 million lottery drawing, the nation’s managers, supervisors, and administrators are bracing themselves for someone to… Read more

CHENEY’S HEART TO GET MEDAL FOR TRYING TO RID WORLD OF CHENEY

FALLS CHURCH, VA (SatireWire.com) — The original heart of former Vice President Dick Cheney will receive the nation’s highest honor – the Presidential Medal of Freedom – for its lifelong… Read more

DISNEY CHARACTERS CAN LEGALLY BE SHOT UNDER FLORIDA LAW

ORLANDO, FL (SatireWire.com) — A Florida court today ruled that under the state’s “Stand Your Ground” law, which allows people who feel threatened to use deadly force, the life-sized characters… Read more

iPAD 3 PURCHASE CAN INCREASE CHILD’S LOVE OF PARENTS

CUPUTERINO, CA (SatireWire.com) — Children of divorce report a nearly 50 percent increase in their love for whichever parent is willing to buy them the new Apple iPad 3, according… Read more

U.S., ISRAEL AGREE ISRAEL DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT U.S. THINKS

WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- In what aides described as a “cordial, constructive” meeting on Iran’s nuclear threat, President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu agreed Monday that Israel really… Read more

NFL PLAYERS SAY INJURING OPPONENTS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS

NEW ORLEANS (SatireWire.com) -- Taking a page from Rush Limbaugh’s penitent play book, NFL defenders who won cash bounties for injuring opponents apologized today, explaining that the “kill shots” they… Read more

AMERICANS TRYING HARD NOT TO PICTURE RUSH WATCHING SEX TAPES

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Rush Limbaugh’s assertion that a Georgetown University coed is a “slut” who should post her sex tapes online so he can watch has upset liberals and conservatives… Read more

HOPEFUL SPERM CELL WANTS TO TRY IT WITH EGG FROM BEHIND

BALTIMORE, MD. (SatireWire.com) — A sperm cell’s hopeful attempts today to convince an egg they should “try it from behind” have so far been rejected by the egg, who called… Read more

ITALY TO HALT CRUISE SHIP PROGRAM IN RETURN FOR U.S. AID

ROME (SatireWire.com) – Moments after today’s announcement that North Korea will halt its nuclear program in exchange for 240,000 metric tons of food, Italy agreed to stop operating cruise ships… Read more
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