ORLANDO, FL (SatireWire.com) — A Florida court today ruled that under the state’s “Stand Your Ground” law, which allows people who feel threatened to use deadly force, the life-sized characters at Orlando’s Disney World can legally be shot because they’re frightening and creepy.
In his decision, Circuit Court Judge Jefferson Garnett declared Disney’s large, often anthropomorphic characters — with their unblinking eyes and fixed smiles — frightening to children and unnerving to adults. Therefore, they can reasonably be considered dangerous.
“If you’re walking around the park with your family and suddenly a giant mouse appears and tries to put its arms around your 4-year-old daughter, I think a person can justifiably claim they feel threatened by that,” said Judge Garnett. “And at Disney, it’s not just the mice. What about the 7-foot-tall bear? Or the sneering pirate with a hook? Or worse, that pair of human-sized chipmunks? They’re brown. That’s automatically suspicious.”
The verdict comes on the heels of the controversial shooting death in Sanford, Fla., of an unarmed black teenager by a white man who claimed the boy was “up to no good.” Arguing in vain against today’s ruling, Disney lawyers insisted its park characters are simply costumed actors playing a role.
“Baloo the bear is not actually a bear,” Disney attorney Kelly Farring told the judge. “It’s just a man in a bear suit.”
“Oh right. And I suppose Osama bin Laden was just a man in an al Qaeda suit,” Judge Garnett responded. “Just because visitors to Disney willingly suspend their disbelief, that doesn’t mean they have to suspend their right to defend themselves and their children. My 6-year-old grandson is scared to death of Goofy. His head is the size of my Volvo.”
According to the court, the “Stand Your Ground” law means dozens of well-known, unarmed characters can justifiably be shot in self-defense, even seemingly innocent Snow White.
“Women may find her beauty threatening,” the Judge explained.
Others on the list, and the reason for their inclusion:
|JUSTIFICATION FOR SHOOTING
|“Quiet. Always keeps to himself.” Red flag!
|Aladdin, Jasmine, Jafar, Sultan
|Middle Eastern looking
|Middle Eastern sounding
|Also a lion
|Winnie the Pooh
|No good reason. But deer meat’s yummy
|Cruella de Vil
|Possibly Joan Rivers
|Little Red Riding Hood
|Wears a hoodie
Disney lawyers said they planned to appeal the ruling until the judge explained they could be shot for threatening his livelihood.
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