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BIN LADEN FEARED TO HAVE SEGWAY SCOOTER

Has Threatened to Produce Transportation Device of Mass Distribution

Kandahar, Afghanistan (SatireWire.com) – U.S. forces searching an abandoned Al Qaeda hideout today said they found diagrams of skateboards, gyroscopic technology, and a drawing of Osama bin Laden riding what appears to be a Razor scooter — further proof the terrorist leader may have been planning to intensify his revolution by producing personal transportation devices of mass distribution.

Diagrams found in hideout
One of the diagrams found in an Al Qaeda hideout

According to U.S. sources, the Segway Human Transporter, known as “Ginger” or “IT” before it was unveiled Monday, is one of the most important inventions of the last 100 years and has the potential to be more significant than the Internet or the automobile. If bin Laden or his operatives were able to reproduce the Segway, it could lead to an escalation of the war no one has imagined.

“Picture Al Qaeda terrorists able to zip around cities on their dastardly errands at 12 miles an hour for only 5 cents a day. What a tremendous costs savings and convenience that would be for them,” said Army Gen. Tommy Franks.

Until now, Bush administration officials had downplayed bin Laden’s recent claims of “We have the scooter and we will use it,” saying that gyroscopic and tilt sensor technology were likely beyond their abilities. But with today’s discovery, experts say it is at least possible bin Laden could produce a “Dirty Scooter” capable of traveling up to six miles on a five-hour charge.

“Not only could they equip their own people with this, but depending on their price points, they could seriously undermine U.S. retail sales,” said Neville Obstinate, of Oxford Research Group, a private think tank in Oxford, England.

Gen. Franks said the Al Qaeda site was still being tested for evidence that any scooter of mass distribution had actually been produced. If any materials are found that could be used to make a personal transportation device, they will not be left behind, he said. “It’s one thing for this murderer to go after our people, but we will not allow him to violate our patents, and we will not leave any patented products in that country,” he said. “That is nonnegotiable.”

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