WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Sulking Energy Secretary Steven Chu, the cabinet member designated to sit out the State of the Union address in the event the entire U.S. leadership was killed, has been unable to hide his disappointment ever since the President returned safely to the Oval Office Tuesday night.
According to White House sources, Obama’s return from the House of Representatives led to an awkward exchange with the clearly disheartened Energy Secretary.
“Oh. It’s you,” Chu reportedly said when the President walked in and found Chu sitting behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. “I guess you want the government back.”
“Steven, you weren’t actually the President,” said Obama.
“Yeah. Whatever,’” Chu responded.
As a grumbling Chu bumped past Obama, the President sat down and was unhappy to discover Chu had been using official White House stationary.
“Steven, what this?” Obama asked, holding up a folder. “It looks like… did you sign an executive order?”
“No,” Chu said defensively. “Maybe. I don’t remember.”
“It’s got your signature,” said Obama. “It appoints you President for Life. Of the ‘Chunited States.’
“Because of the emergency,” Chu explained.
“What emergency?” Obama asked.
“You were all dead,” said Chu.
“No we weren’t,” noted the President.
“Oh, right,” the Secretary groused. “Yippy.”
Chu also attempted to hand Obama a briefcase, commonly known as “the football,” which has the U.S. nuclear launch codes. In response, the President sighed audibly.
“Steven, this isn’t the football,” he said. “It’s your briefcase. You didn’t get to have the football.”
Chu looked down and kicked the edge of a sofa. “I know. I was just pretending. Doesn’t hurt to pretend,” he pouted, adding in a mutter, “Like sometimes I pretend we even have an energy policy.”
“What was that?” Obama snapped.
“Nothing,” Chu answered.
Secret Service agents confirmed Chu was behaving oddly while Obama gave the annual address to Congress. They could hear the Energy Secretary in the Oval Office making battlefield sounds and pretending to speak with both Russian President Vladimir Putin and Beyonce on the phone.
After Obama’s return, aides say Chu appeared reluctant to leave, even after the President sat down to deal with paperwork. “Is there anything else, Steven?” Obama asked, looking up.
Chu reportedly scanned the Oval Office and randomly grabbed a book off a shelf.
“Can I keep this?” he asked. “It’s the Bible I was sworn in on.”
Rising from his desk, Obama crossed the room and put a friendly arm around the moping cabinet member. “Steven, listen, you weren’t sworn in,” said Obama. “You weren’t the President. And this… this isn’t even a Bible. It’s a thesaurus.”
“Oh. Can you see if ‘Chu’ is a synonym for ‘President?’ the Secretary asked.
“Steven, you should go to bed now,” Obama advised.
“OK. Michelle’s probably waiting for me,” Chu replied.
“Not that bed,” said Obama.
“I… I woulda been a good president,” Chu mumbled.
“I know,” Obama said, guiding Chu to the door.
“I kept us out of war,” said Chu.
“You did a good job,” said Obama.
“Sorry I didn’t fix the debt.”
“Well, you only had an hour.”
“Can we call Beyonce before I go?” Chu asked.
“Goodnight, Steven,” said the President.
As Obama turned back to his desk, Chu quickly thumb-tacked a drawing of himself on the wall of the Oval Office next to the President’s official portrait. He then made an abusive gesture toward the Chief Executive and ran out of the room.
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