WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a gaffe that may cost Barack Obama the election, the White House today admitted the President slept last night, a revelation that outraged Republicans who questioned how anyone could sleep “while America suffers.”
“Thirteen million Americans are out of work, Iran is building nuclear weapons, our soldiers are dying in the Middle East, and Barack Obama just goes to bed,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-KY. “Nighty-night America. See you in the morning. If you’re still there!“
The firestorm erupted at a press briefing when White House Press Secretary Jay Carney mentioned that the President woke up and exercised for about an hour this morning.
“When you say he ‘woke up,’ do you mean that prior to that, he was asleep?” a Fox News reporter asked.
“Well yes,” Carney responded. “Waking up usually comes after… oh. No. Hold on. Let me get confirmation on that.”
But it was too late. The damage had been done. Republicans immediately took to the airwaves insisting the job of president is 24-7, not 18-7.
“Statistics tell us that about 7,000 Americans die every day; that’s 290 an hour,” said Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus. “So let’s see, while the President slept his six precious hours, 1,750 Americans died. They died. And he did nothing!”
“On top of that, an average of three Americans are injured or killed in house fires every hour,” added Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. ”Where was the President last night when 18 hard-working citizens of this country were on fire?”
Obama aides later tried to explain that the President was tired from “doing the people’s business” and, like all humans, “works better” when he’s had some rest. But critics would not let up.
“Oh wouldn’t we all do better if we ‘slept’?” replied Bachmann, who boasted that she has not been able to close her eyes since she was twelve. “What a luxurious life Obama must lead to curl up in his nice comfy bed and west his weary wittle head. While the people burn!”
Of the Republican presidential hopefuls, all immediately pledged not to sleep if elected, while Mitt Romney insisted that the few times he has slept, he has done so, “severely conservatively.”
Scientists say sleep deprivation is unhealthy, as it can lead to confusion, disorientation, and even declarations of war against Iraq. But analysts say the admission could do lasting damage to Obama’s chances come November.
“This looks bad for the President,” said historian Michael Beschloss. “As Commander in Chief, you have to be more careful about when, how, and if you sleep.”
Beschloss said U.S. presidents have a long and contentious relationship with slumber. Bill Clinton went to bed often – but not to sleep – while Ronald Reagan actually slept through his entire eight years in office. President Franklin D. Roosevelt hung his head for long periods during the Great Depression, although aides insisted he was not sleeping but just “very very sad.” Millard Fillmore slept often as a means to forget — even for a few hours — that his parents named him Millard. Throughout Abraham Lincoln’s presidency, he rarely found sleep as he was plagued by the waking national nightmare that was Mary Todd Lincoln. Founding Father Thomas Jefferson rarely slept when having a lie-down as he found slave beds uncomfortable, while Richard Nixon never dozed off on the principle that “evil never sleeps.”
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