WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — After repeated warnings, Secret Service police manning the White House entrances have been ordered to stop asking visitors if they’re absolutely sure they want to go inside.
According to recent visitors, gate officers have been quietly asking questions such as, “You can go in, but are you really sure you want to?” “Have you thought this through? Because it’s not the healthiest environment right now,” and, “Tell you what, you wanna walk away, I won’t tell anyone you were even here. Save the embarrassment.”
The White House issued a terse statement calling the questions unprofessional and accusing agents of sewing doubt. However, several guards, who have not been identified for security purposes, defended the practice, which began just days after President Trump moved into the White House.
“We check to make sure visitors are approved, and we do let them in – I’m just not sure why they’d want to,” said an agent at the southeast gate. “It’s creepy in there. That’s what I hear. Me, I stay outside.”
“I tell White House visitors the same thing I tell my kids,” explained a northwest gate officer. “I remind them that what they do and who they associate with is a reflection on their family and their community. If people see you hanging around in the White House, they’re going to make assumptions you may not like.”
The officers also warn visitors not to take selfies inside and post them on social media.
“Oh yeah, that’s a classic mistake,” said another guard. “That stuff lives online forever and it will come back to bite you.”
The issue became public after a heated confrontation at the southeast entrance – witnessed by reporters – between a Secret Service officer and deputy White House chief of staff Joe Hagin.
HAGIN: Your job, officer, is to keep the President safe, period. You should not be questioning visitors or putting an idea into their heads that going into the White House is anything but a privilege. Are we clear?
GUARD: Yes sir. I’ll just let ‘em go in.
GUARD: Maybe I’ll just shake my head or something.
HAGIN: No, you cannot shake your head or something!
GUARD: All right. I’ll just roll my eyes like Octavia Spencer, like, “OK, if you think that’s what you really wanna do.”
HAGIN: No! You will not grimace or wink or roll your eyes or make a noise that implies their visit will be anything but wonderful!
GUARD: OK OK. I got ya. But… Mr. Hagin, you going back in the White House?
GUARD: OK. I’m gonna pray for you. Me and the wife.
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