WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – President Donald Trump today accepted an offer by Russian President Vladimir Putin to use “impartial” Russian troops to root out the so-called “Deep State” within the U.S. government.
“We have some very bad people in the justice department, the military and Congress who want to undermine my authority,” Trump told reporters. “We need to get rid of them, but I don’t want anyone saying it’s a partisan bloodbath, or whatever, so I’ve decided to use Russian troops because they non-partisan. Do you think they care if you’re a Democrat or a Republican or rich or poor? No. They’re totally impartial. They’ll be, like, judges with guns.”
Democrats and the media called the move, “the very definition of treason,” and demanded the President be impeached, but Trump quickly tweeted a denial.
“Using Russian troops to save America is not treason! Treason is someone giving my beautiful Trump International Hotel in D.C. a 3-star review on Yelp. 3 stars! Was it (special counsel) Bob Mueller? FBI needs to investigate!”
Meanwhile, Republicans in Congress, having spent a year defending the border wall, election meddling, late-night tweet storms, and the firing of FBI Director James Comey, conceded they’re exhausted.
“At this point, fuck it. Bring in the Russians,” said Sen. Jeff Flake, (R-AZ). “It was going to happen anyway.”
The White House declined to say how many foreign soldiers will be brought in, with the Pentagon apparently reluctant to provide assistance.
“We asked the Pentagon for an estimate of how many Russian troops we would need to fulfill our goals, but so far they have not replied,” said White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “We suspect this is because most of the military also served while Obama was president and so they’re loyalty to President Trump is suspect.”
Across the country, Democrats and most Republicans not running for office vowed to take to the streets to oppose what they called “foreign intervention.” Trump, surprisingly, said he welcomed dissent.
“People have the right to peacefully protest and I will not stand in their way,” he said. “But the Russians, boy, I don’t know. They may not like it so much. We’ll have to see.”
In a late-afternoon tweet defending his decision, Trump boasted that using Russian soldiers also fulfills a campaign promise.
“I’ve always said I’ll bring in the best people and Putin’s troops are the best,” he wrote. “Look how good they are at rounding up troublemakers in Russia! They can do the same here, and we won’t even have to pay them! The Russian government is footing the entire bill. That’s the art of the deal, folks!”
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