Official White House Transcript

Topic: Immigration, Family Separation Policy Thingy
In attendance:
DONALD J. TRUMP, President
KIRSTJEN NIELSEN, Homeland Security Secretary.
JEFF SESSIONS, Attorney General
STEPHEN MILLER, Little Himler, advisor
PAUL RYAN, Speaker of the House

SESSIONS: We’re getting a lot of heat for this family separation policy.
MELANIA: It is a terrible policy.
NIELSEN: It’s not a policy.
SESSIONS: Law, then. Or program.
PRES. TRUMP: Let’s just say ‘thingy.’
MELANIA: It is more than just a thingy!
MILLER: The President’s authority to call it a thingy will not be questioned!
SESSIONS: Take it down, Stephen. I’m just sayin’, we might need alternatives.
MILLER: Something harsher, you mean. How about we keep immigrant families together, but we separate their heads from their bodies?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: So, what, the heads will be kept elsewhere, but the bodies will be together?
SESSIONS: We can use smaller cages. Save some money.
MELANIA: You cannot separate heads from bodies!
PRES. TRUMP: No you can. ISIS did it all the time. They got great ratings.
MELANIA: You cannot kill people!
SESSIONS: Now let’s just be calm. I think maybe separating heads from bodies would be a deterrent…
PRES. TRUMP: And good television…
SESSIONS: But maybe we can scale it back a bit.
MILLER: How about if we just separate, like, an arm…
PRES. TRUMP: A finger. I know some guys…
MELANIA: Paul, say something!
RYAN: Tax cuts.
NIELSEN: We could, Mr. President, keep children and parents together, but mix it up. Give children to different parents. So they stay with parents, just not their parents.
SESSIONS: Or… we say parents get to keep one child. The others we take away. They’ll just have to choose which kid they like best.
PRES. TRUMP: Hmm. Guess I’d keep Ivanka.
MELNIA: Donald you cannot choose like that.
MILLER: The President’s authority to love Ivanka most will not be questioned!
MELANIA: You cannot make families choose which child to keep! Paul?
RYAN: With tax cuts, a family won’t have to choose between paying the mortgage and buying food.
MELNIA: This is wrong. We should not be separating anyone.
MILLER: Fine. How about we keep them together, but hang them all upside down?
MELNIA: What?!
PRES. TRUMP: Maybe we just hang the children upside down.
MELANIA: You cannot do that!
MILLER: The President’s authority to hang children upside down will not be questioned!
MELNIA: It is torture.
NIELSEN: But it would be a deterrent.
PRES. TRUMP: Blinding them would also be a deterrent. I don’t think even ISIS thought of that.
SESSIONS: I like that, Mr. President. Shows we’re just. Because justice is blind.
MELANIA: Hang them? Blind them? Why do not we just kill them?
MILLER: Wait, you said we can’t do that!
MELANIA: You cannot!
NIELSEN: That’s right. I think DHS would be the ones to do that. Legally.
MELANIA: Paul, are you listening to this?!
RYAN: I am listening to the sounds of tax cuts jangling in American’s pockets.
PRES. TRUMP: This wouldn’t be a problem if Congress gave me money for my wall.
MILLER: Hmm… I know how we keep families together and get our wall.
PRES. TRUMP: My wall.
MILLER: Sorry sir, your wall. And to build it, we use these immigrant families.
SESSIONS: That’s not new. Immigrants are gonna build the wall anyway. Cheap labor.
MILLER: No, they’re not gonna build the wall. They’re gonna be the wall. We stack ‘em up.
NIELSEN: Like Latino cinderblocks?
MILLER: Yeah. One on top of the other.
PRES. TRUMP: We’ll call ‘em cinderbacks. Or wetbricks.
SESSIONS: We can poll the base to see which makes them angrier.
MELANIA: Paul, please, say something!
RYAN: Wisconsin. Cheese. America…
MELANIA: This is horrible!
MILLER: What’s with you and children?
MELANIA: I love children!
PRES. TRUMP: Hey now… Melania? It’s Melania, right? I love children too. They’re beautiful. But I also want my wall to be beautiful, so we go with Stephen’s… thingy.
SESSIONS: Yeah c’mon, Melania. Families can stay together this way.
MILLER: Actually, it’s important that we keep them together. They’ll bond-up better than they would with strangers. Pack tighter. Save money on cement.
SESSIONS: With 50,000 migrants a month, we’ll have that wall built in no time.
NIELSEN: Do we need approval for this?
MILLER: The President’s authority to stack immigrants will not be questioned!
PRES. TRUMP: If we announce it, maybe Congress will finally give me money for my wall. Paul, what do you think?
RYAN: The Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017, Public Law 115-97.
MILLER: OK it’s settled. We end family separation and start family stacking.
NIELSEN: But will stacking immigrants remind people of stacking slaves on ships?
SESSIONS: Well, it gives me the warm fuzzies, so… yes?
PRES. TRUMP: Let’s announce it today.
MELANIA: In this case, Donald, I am leaving you today. I have had enough!

MILLER: Good riddance. Sir, you’re better off without her.
SESSIONS: After all, she is an immigrant.
PRES. TRUMP: But she’s my cornerstone.
SESSIONS: Oh, well, if you…
PRES. TRUMP: For my new wall. She can be the cornerstone.
© 2018

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