Official White House Transcript
Topic: Immigration, Family Separation Policy Thingy
DONALD J. TRUMP, President
KIRSTJEN NIELSEN, Homeland Security Secretary.
JEFF SESSIONS, Attorney General
STEPHEN MILLER, Little Himler, advisor
MELANIA TRUMP, First Lady
PAUL RYAN, Speaker of the House
SESSIONS: We’re getting a lot of heat for this family separation policy.
MELANIA: It is a terrible policy.
NIELSEN: It’s not a policy.
SESSIONS: Law, then. Or program.
PRES. TRUMP: Let’s just say ‘thingy.’
MELANIA: It is more than just a thingy!
MILLER: The President’s authority to call it a thingy will not be questioned!
SESSIONS: Take it down, Stephen. I’m just sayin’, we might need alternatives.
MILLER: Something harsher, you mean. How about we keep immigrant families together, but we separate their heads from their bodies?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: So, what, the heads will be kept elsewhere, but the bodies will be together?
SESSIONS: We can use smaller cages. Save some money.
MELANIA: You cannot separate heads from bodies!
PRES. TRUMP: No you can. ISIS did it all the time. They got great ratings.
MELANIA: You cannot kill people!
SESSIONS: Now let’s just be calm. I think maybe separating heads from bodies would be a deterrent…
PRES. TRUMP: And good television…
SESSIONS: But maybe we can scale it back a bit.
MILLER: How about if we just separate, like, an arm…
PRES. TRUMP: A finger. I know some guys…
MELANIA: Paul, say something!
RYAN: Tax cuts.
NIELSEN: We could, Mr. President, keep children and parents together, but mix it up. Give children to different parents. So they stay with parents, just not their parents.
SESSIONS: Or… we say parents get to keep one child. The others we take away. They’ll just have to choose which kid they like best.
PRES. TRUMP: Hmm. Guess I’d keep Ivanka.
MELNIA: Donald you cannot choose like that.
MILLER: The President’s authority to love Ivanka most will not be questioned!
MELANIA: You cannot make families choose which child to keep! Paul?
RYAN: With tax cuts, a family won’t have to choose between paying the mortgage and buying food.
MELNIA: This is wrong. We should not be separating anyone.
MILLER: Fine. How about we keep them together, but hang them all upside down?
PRES. TRUMP: Maybe we just hang the children upside down.
MELANIA: You cannot do that!
MILLER: The President’s authority to hang children upside down will not be questioned!
MELNIA: It is torture.
NIELSEN: But it would be a deterrent.
PRES. TRUMP: Blinding them would also be a deterrent. I don’t think even ISIS thought of that.
SESSIONS: I like that, Mr. President. Shows we’re just. Because justice is blind.
MELANIA: Hang them? Blind them? Why do not we just kill them?
MILLER: Wait, you said we can’t do that!
MELANIA: You cannot!
NIELSEN: That’s right. I think DHS would be the ones to do that. Legally.
MELANIA: Paul, are you listening to this?!
RYAN: I am listening to the sounds of tax cuts jangling in American’s pockets.
PRES. TRUMP: This wouldn’t be a problem if Congress gave me money for my wall.
MILLER: Hmm… I know how we keep families together and get our wall.
PRES. TRUMP: My wall.
MILLER: Sorry sir, your wall. And to build it, we use these immigrant families.
SESSIONS: That’s not new. Immigrants are gonna build the wall anyway. Cheap labor.
MILLER: No, they’re not gonna build the wall. They’re gonna be the wall. We stack ‘em up.
NIELSEN: Like Latino cinderblocks?
MILLER: Yeah. One on top of the other.
PRES. TRUMP: We’ll call ‘em cinderbacks. Or wetbricks.
SESSIONS: We can poll the base to see which makes them angrier.
MELANIA: Paul, please, say something!
RYAN: Wisconsin. Cheese. America…
MELANIA: This is horrible!
MILLER: What’s with you and children?
MELANIA: I love children!
PRES. TRUMP: Hey now… Melania? It’s Melania, right? I love children too. They’re beautiful. But I also want my wall to be beautiful, so we go with Stephen’s… thingy.
SESSIONS: Yeah c’mon, Melania. Families can stay together this way.
MILLER: Actually, it’s important that we keep them together. They’ll bond-up better than they would with strangers. Pack tighter. Save money on cement.
SESSIONS: With 50,000 migrants a month, we’ll have that wall built in no time.
NIELSEN: Do we need approval for this?
MILLER: The President’s authority to stack immigrants will not be questioned!
PRES. TRUMP: If we announce it, maybe Congress will finally give me money for my wall. Paul, what do you think?
RYAN: The Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017, Public Law 115-97.
MILLER: OK it’s settled. We end family separation and start family stacking.
NIELSEN: But will stacking immigrants remind people of stacking slaves on ships?
SESSIONS: Well, it gives me the warm fuzzies, so… yes?
PRES. TRUMP: Let’s announce it today.
MELANIA: In this case, Donald, I am leaving you today. I have had enough!
MILLER: Good riddance. Sir, you’re better off without her.
SESSIONS: After all, she is an immigrant.
PRES. TRUMP: But she’s my cornerstone.
SESSIONS: Oh, well, if you…
PRES. TRUMP: For my new wall. She can be the cornerstone.
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Official White House Transcript