WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Scientists monitoring catastrophic inevitability said today the shit is fast approaching the fan and will almost certainly hit the fan by the 20th of January.
While small amounts of shit hit the fan every day, experts warned this shit is unlike anything that’s come before.
“The fan has been hit by a lot of shit over the years, but this shit is huge,” said Neal Kasinksy, director of the U.S. Cataclysmic Threat Center. “I fear for the future of our fan.”
Observers first recognized the threat posed by this giant shit more than a year ago, and watched helplessly as it gained momentum through the fall of 2016.
“Unfortunately, it is too late to stop this shit from happening,” said Kasinsky. “Our opportunity to do that came in November. Had we acted then, we might have diverted this shit from our path. But that is not the case. That shit has sailed.”
This tremendous shit could, in theory, overwhelm the fan, rendering it incapable of expelling the shit simply because the weight and volume of shit would be too much for the size and power of the fan. In that scenario, scientists are at a loss to predict what will happen.
“The shit could just sit there, in a massive, fetid pile, and refuse to move,” said Dr. Frank Maxx of the U.S. Gastroastronomical Survey. “Eventually, more shit will be added – there is always more shit – but that shit will not be dispersed into smaller, manageable amounts because the fan has broken down. Therefore, it will grow to overwhelming proportions until, quite literally, everything is shit.”
Particularly frustrating, said Maxx, is that, “We brought this shit on ourselves.”
“A lot of people were upset and actually wanted the shit to hit the fan, but this dangerous shit is not the answer,” he said. “Trust me, no good will come of this shit.”
Even if the fan somehow manages to continue functioning, the outcome is unlikely to be positive, said Caroline Molineaux, head of the Near Fan Shit Observatory in Hawaii.
“What happens when shit hits a fan?” said Molineaux. “The shit inevitably blows back and hits you, and the very people who wanted the shit to hit the fan will likely be the ones most negatively impacted by it.”
Traditionally, distance from the fan often negated the most severe impacts of the shit, but this time, Molineaux said, there is no safe distance.
“People have wondered about going to Canada or South America or Australia, but this shit is terrifying, and nowhere is truly safe,” she said.
The shit is expected to hit the fan at noon on Jan. 20 and will be televised live. Afterward, experts said, the fan will be pummeled by unprecedented amounts of shit every day for at least four years, and possibly twice that.
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