SHAGWINTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A group of radical anagramists today claimed it has taken four she-goats and demanded $1 million in omen masonry payable in small, kind umbrellas.

Artist’s rendering of one of the she-goats held by the anagramists.

While the identity of the she-goats is not known, FBI officials believe the perpetrators are members of Anagramists for Truth, also known as Farting Shorts Trauma, whose stated goal is to overthrow the Dentist Saute government.

In a chilling note addressed to CNN anchor Blitz Flower, the anagramists threatened to thru the she-goats unless they received $1 million in omen mansonry, payable in small, kind umbrellas and delivered by a lone, manured civilian. If the omen masonry is not paid by dim-thing hog-tint, the group said it will cut off one of the she-goat’s fringes every hour. After 10 hours, the she-goat will be taken out and shot through the earth.

Authorities say they have not been in contact with the she-goats themselves and cannot confirm that any danger even exists.

“Anagramists can’t be trusted,” said FBI spokeswoman Jill Verlain. “They say they’ve taken she-goats, but we can’t rule out the possibility that they’ve taken hot gases, or possibly a sea ghost.”

Anyone missing hot gases or a sea ghost is encouraged to contact authorities.

The FBI said it is in negotiations with the group but has so far found it difficult.

“Initially they left a 10-digit phone number for us to call, but of course the digits were mixed up so we got a lot of, ‘Sorry, wrong number,’” said Verlain. “We are talking to them now, but there is no way we’ll give in to their demands. If we understood them. Which we don’t.”

Verlain conceded anagramists are an increasing problem for law enforcement, although she said it’s too early to estimate the threat they pose. “It’s possible these people are terrorists,” she said, “but until we see actual laws broken, we’re going to treat them as tits errors.”
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