(SatireWire.com) — As report after report tells us, the environment is like a terminally ill relative being kept alive on life support, and that’s no way to live, is it? That’s why, as difficult as this may be to hear, we need to pull the climate plug. We need to let go. We need to move on.

It's not global warming that's killing me, it's the suspense that's killing me.

Instead of fighting or ignoring climate change, we should just give in to it, like I did with that piece of pie I ate for breakfast this morning. We put the whole thing into overdrive, open up the throttle, throw caution to the lung-burning wind and belch our bile into the sky like there’s no tomorrow, which, apparently, there isn’t going to be anyway, so what the hell?

No more fear. No more worry. No more damn reports.

Call it Earthanasia. It will be as easy as walking up to the machine and yanking the cord, except technically speaking we’ll walk up to our machines – our cars, our air conditioners, our factories, our cows – and turn them all on, and leave them on, until it’s finally, mercilessly over.

And it would be a mercy.

Every day we hear climate change is going to be disastrous: more wars, more famine, more flooding. Right now, it’s not global warming that’s killing me, it’s the suspense that’s killing me. I mean, yes, millions are going to die, and that’s bad, but do you know what’s just as bad? The terrible psychological burden we live with, every day, of knowing that millions of us are going to die. Who needs that? Really, if scientists genuinely cared about us, they wouldn’t constantly berate us for not doing anything about climate change, they would figure out a way to speed up the whole process to put us out of our misery. Like pulling the plug.

Look at it this way: if a doctor comes in and says, ‘I can keep your grandmother alive, but it will be expensive and involve lots of procedures and new technologies and it may well be too late anyway,’ who’s going to say, ‘Yeah, go for it?’ OK, maybe Grandpa would, but he’s not ready to let go, is he? He’s been with Grandma for so long; so very, very long. But there comes a time, right? I mean, she’s 96, for God’s sake. Is she happy lying there like that? No. She’s not happy at all. In fact, Grandpa, she hasn’t been really, truly happy since before you and your secretary took that “working weekend” to New York in 1968. You think Grandma didn’t know about that? Guess what? She knew about that.

The point is, Aristotle once said, “Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.” Global warming is that evil, and the pain we’re feeling is the anticipation of that evil. If you combine that with another famous philosophical dictum, that the fear of a thing is worse than the thing itself, then we can deduce that dying from a climate-induced pandemic won’t be nearly as bad as the fear of dying of a climate-induced pandemic. In other words, when the tidal wave hits or the food disappears or the starving polar bears come south and raid our daycare centers, or whatever, we’ll be like, ‘Oh, this is what I got so worked up about? Silly me.’

Obviously, it will be hard at first, not living. But we’d adapt. We’d get used to it. Because that’s what humans do. We move on.


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