SAN DIEGO (SatireWire.com) — After two harrowing days without an all-you-can-eat buffet, nearly 4,500 people stranded on a Carnival Cruise ship arrived in San Diego today, marking the first time passengers have ever returned from a cruise weighing less than when they left.

As these actual headlines illustrate, 100 crew members suddenly disappeared on board between Nov. 9 and 10.

Carnival officials lauded the passengers for not panicking after the ship lost power and became stranded on Tuesday, although they conceded there was a “small window” of alarm when the chilled banana gateau ran out, during which roughly 100 of the crew may have been eaten.

“The ship left port with 1,200 crew members,” said Coast Guard Capt. Jim Wilkes. “It seems to have returned with 1,100 crew members. We are investigating.” For now, Wilkes said, the 100 crew members are missing and presumed delicious.
The 113,000-ton Carnival Splendor suffered an engine room fire Tuesday evening, forcing passengers and crew to go without air conditioning, working toilets, and the all-you-can-eat ice cream and hot buffet. The ship was towed to San Diego, where disembarking passengers told of their harrowing journey, and the difficulties of not eating for minutes on end.

"I felt just like a Chilean miner," said one passenger.

“We were stranded. It was hot. We were hungry,” said Madelyn Davenport, a 67-year-old retiree from Leeds, England. “I remember sitting under the retractable sky dome on the pool deck, telling the singing maitre d’ that I felt just like a Chilean miner.”
“About an hour after we lost power and the crème brulee mountain started to melt, people did panic, yes,” recalled Kevin Poller, 48, from Seattle. “And it’s possible some of the crew were eaten at this time. But look, the heated chaises lounges were cold. The slot machines were dead. We were trapped like large, generally inactive rats in a 14-story cage with mini-golf course and Elemis SkinLab Facial Mapping Analysis. It was kill or be killed.”
In the end, passengers said, they survived thanks to the 22 bars, and the crew.
“Hard as it was, the staff was terrific, and I learned a lot from them about the sea and survival,” said Marvin Humboldt, a 57-year-old passenger from Phoenix, Az. “For instance, everyone knows a captain goes down with the ship, but did you know a purser goes down well with a 1978 Bordeaux?”

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