Afghan Fighters’ Artistic Impression Marks Mysteriously Higher

Salt Lake City, Utah ( – Despite making what most observers agreed were “obvious technical errors,” such as surrendering, the Taliban were awarded victory in the Afghanistan war last night after the French judge said they won on presentation.

Hoon and Rumsfeld
British and American Defense Secretaries Hoon (left) and Rumsfeld cannot hide their dismay as their marks are posted.

The decision snatched triumph away from a U.S./U.K. pair who most agreed put on a magical, career-defining performance last month. It also stirred an immediate controversy, as analysts questioned how five judges – from France, Russia, China, Poland, and Ukraine – could have scored the Taliban higher than the American/British fighters.

“When the Americans and British finished, I thought, ‘That’s it. They’ve won,'” said Abdur Muhammed, a respect Syrian war judge  and now color commentator with Al Jazeera. “But when I saw the scores last night, frankly, I was embarrassed for our profession.”

However, a defiant Marie-Reine Le Gougne, the French judge who marked the Taliban a 5.9 out of a possible 6.0 for artistic impression, insisted the Afghan regime was much more eloquent.

“Hiding in caves, fighting with inferior weapons, the maneuvers they attempted were clearly more difficult,” said Le Gougne. “And artistically, they were much more graceful, particularly with their hands.”

“But their hands primarily went up,” responded CNN military color analyst Gen Wesley Clark.

“Yes, but they were very fluid movements,” Le Gougne answered.

That explanation only heightened calls for reform in warfare judging, and by today, pressure was mounting on the International Warfare Union to at least declare the U.S./U.K. duo as co-winners.

Taliban leader Mullah Omar, however, defended the scoring. “I don’t see what the debate is about,” he said. “Victory goes to whomever pleases the judges. We fought beautifully and deserved this win.”

While clearly devastated, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld refused to be drawn into the debate. “War is subjective. It’s judged,” he said. “As soldiers we have to be happy that we did our best, and put this behind us.”

British Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon, however, hinted the U.K. may consider retiring from war. “When you work so hard to make your dreams come true, only to have them snatched away like this, it’s… it’s disillusioning,” said Hoon, as he buried his face in his hands. “I only hope our judges return the favor the next time France competes.”

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