For White Men to Survive, We Need to Start Acting Like Prey

( – Straight, white, Christian males are under threat in America. Our supremacy is waning. Our time atop the food chain is nearing its end. The evidence is all around us. Our life expectancy has decreased. Our sperm counts are lower. We elected Donald Trump.
Unfortunately, our response to this danger – stockpiling guns, staging violent protests, electing Donald Trump – has been to continue acting like alpha predators when we no longer are. We are prey, and if we’re really serious about protecting our species, if we’re genuinely worried about our survival, then we straight, white, Christian males need to learn from the animal kingdom and adopt measures that have safeguarded other prey animals for millennia and beyond.
1) We could, for example, copy the baby Eurasian Roller bird. When threatened, the Roller chick doesn’t whine or Tweet or move to a gated nest. Instead, it projectile vomits directly onto its attacker. This is quite effective, apparently. The disgusted predator flees. We white males could easily deploy this same defense whenever we feel uncomfortable, such as when someone suggests Jesus was dark-skinned, or when young people vote. It would probably help if we’d recently eaten at Chipotle.
2) Another possibility is to adopt the strategy of the Elephant Hawk-Mother caterpillar. When it senses a hunter nearby, it pulls in its legs and inflates itself to resemble a snake, complete with a false set of eyes. We could do this. We’re good at puffing ourselves up, and we straight, white Christian males don’t even have to cut off our own legs. Society is doing that for us, right? Am I right? … I used to be. All the time.
3) Maybe we could try the dormouse defense. During an attack, if a predator grasps a dormouse by the tail, it doesn’t try to fight off the assailant by quoting Toby Keith. Instead, the aggressor is left holding the proverbial bag as the skin from the dormouse’s tail comes off, which allows it to abscond. The skin doesn’t grow back, and eventually the tail itself snaps off, but the dormouse survives. Human white males lack tails, but we do have a dangling, tail-like protuberance that… never mind. We’re emasculated enough.
4) The sea cucumber is an Echinoderm, a phylum that has been around for 500 million years – that’s roughly 6,000 of our years – and it’s done so without bump stocks, single-sex bathrooms, or strict definitions of marriage. How? When in trouble, the sea cucumber auto-eviscerates. In other words, it contracts its muscles so violently that it secretes some of its own organs out of its anus! This dupes predators into thinking it’s already dead. I’m pretty sure we won’t all be able to master this right away. It might take a few generations. And practice. In the meantime, remember to keep your insurance card on you at all times, and a carry a lot of Preparation H.
5) If that’s too commando, we could mimic the Octopoteuthis deletron, a squid that actually jettisons one of its limbs in a process called autotomy. According to experts, this “minimizes tissue loss” from an attack – “You can’t bite my arm off because I’m going to bite my arm off!” But more importantly, it distracts the predator long enough for the squid to escape. We should probably only use limb-loss under extreme duress, like if our company promotes a woman over us, or we drive past a gay wedding.
6) Slightly less drastic is a tactic deployed by the pygmy sperm whale. When it is under threat, the whale secretes a “reddish-brown intestinal fluid” from its anus. Basically, it defecates. The whale then stirs up the water, creating a fecal cloud to obscure its presence and swim off. Think of it like, ‘The enemy of my enemy is my enema.’ Which is admittedly a paraphrase of a Sanskrit phrase that’s invaded our American language. Ugh. Makes you want to auto-eviscerate.
7) Of all our potential mentors in the wild, the one I wish we could emulate most is the Texas Horned Lizard. It has an amazing self-preservation mechanism. When it’s in danger, the lizard somehow puts pressure on its sinus cavities until the vessels in its eyes burst, shooting a steady stream of blood from its eyes! Imagine being able to do this when face-to-face with some terrifying menace, like the sight of kneeling NFL players, or the word “inclusive.” The problem is, I’m not sure how we’d develop this skill. We could ask Megan Kelly, who apparently had “blood coming out of her eyes” and her “wherever.” But hey, she’s a woman so she probably wouldn’t want to help us, right?
Am I right? I was once. A long time ago.
© 2017

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