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Official White House Transcript

Topic: Immigration, Family Separation Policy Thingy

In attendance:

DONALD J. TRUMP, President

KIRSTJEN NIELSEN, Homeland Security Secretary.

JEFF SESSIONS, Attorney General

STEPHEN MILLER, Little Himler, advisor


PAUL RYAN, Speaker of the House


SESSIONS: We’re getting a lot of heat for this family separation policy.

MELANIA: It is a terrible policy.

NIELSEN: It’s not a policy.

SESSIONS: Law, then. Or program.

PRES. TRUMP: Let’s just say ‘thingy.’

MELANIA: It is more than just a thingy!

MILLER: The President’s authority to call it a thingy will not be questioned!

SESSIONS: Take it down, Stephen. I’m just sayin’, we might need alternatives.

MILLER: Something harsher, you mean. How about we keep immigrant families together, but we separate their heads from their bodies?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: So, what, the heads will be kept elsewhere, but the bodies will be together?

SESSIONS: We can use smaller cages. Save some money.

MELANIA: You cannot separate heads from bodies!

PRES. TRUMP: No you can. ISIS did it all the time. They got great ratings.

MELANIA: You cannot kill people!

SESSIONS: Now let’s just be calm. I think maybe separating heads from bodies would be a deterrent…

PRES. TRUMP: And good television…

SESSIONS: But maybe we can scale it back a bit.

MILLER: How about if we just separate, like, an arm…


PRES. TRUMP: A finger. I know some guys…

MELANIA: Paul, say something!

RYAN: Tax cuts.

NIELSEN: We could, Mr. President, keep children and parents together, but mix it up. Give children to different parents. So they stay with parents, just not their parents.

SESSIONS: Or… we say parents get to keep one child. The others we take away. They’ll just have to choose which kid they like best.

PRES. TRUMP: Hmm. Guess I’d keep Ivanka.

MELNIA: Donald you cannot choose like that.

MILLER: The President’s authority to love Ivanka most will not be questioned!

MELANIA: You cannot make families choose which child to keep! Paul?

RYAN: With tax cuts, a family won’t have to choose between paying the mortgage and buying food.

MELNIA: This is wrong. We should not be separating anyone.

MILLER: Fine. How about we keep them together, but hang them all upside down?

MELNIA: What?!

PRES. TRUMP: Maybe we just hang the children upside down.

MELANIA: You cannot do that!

MILLER: The President’s authority to hang children upside down will not be questioned!

MELNIA: It is torture.

NIELSEN: But it would be a deterrent.

PRES. TRUMP: Blinding them would also be a deterrent. I don’t think even ISIS thought of that.

SESSIONS: I like that, Mr. President. Shows we’re just. Because justice is blind.

MELANIA: Hang them? Blind them? Why do not we just kill them?

MILLER: Wait, you said we can’t do that!

MELANIA: You cannot!

NIELSEN: That’s right. I think DHS would be the ones to do that. Legally.

MELANIA: Paul, are you listening to this?!

RYAN: I am listening to the sounds of tax cuts jangling in American’s pockets.

PRES. TRUMP: This wouldn’t be a problem if Congress gave me money for my wall.

MILLER: Hmm… I know how we keep families together and get our wall.

PRES. TRUMP: My wall.

MILLER: Sorry sir, your wall. And to build it, we use these immigrant families.

SESSIONS: That’s not new. Immigrants are gonna build the wall anyway. Cheap labor.

MILLER: No, they’re not gonna build the wall. They’re gonna be the wall. We stack ‘em up.

NIELSEN: Like Latino cinderblocks?

MILLER: Yeah. One on top of the other.

PRES. TRUMP: We’ll call ‘em cinderbacks. Or wetbricks.

SESSIONS: We can poll the base to see which makes them angrier.

MELANIA: Paul, please, say something!

RYAN: Wisconsin. Cheese. America…

MELANIA: This is horrible!

MILLER: What’s with you and children?

MELANIA: I love children!

PRES. TRUMP: Hey now… Melania? It’s Melania, right? I love children too. They’re beautiful. But I also want my wall to be beautiful, so we go with Stephen’s… thingy.

SESSIONS: Yeah c’mon, Melania. Families can stay together this way.

MILLER: Actually, it’s important that we keep them together. They’ll bond-up better than they would with strangers. Pack tighter. Save money on cement.

SESSIONS: With 50,000 migrants a month, we’ll have that wall built in no time.

NIELSEN: Do we need approval for this?

MILLER: The President’s authority to stack immigrants will not be questioned!

PRES. TRUMP: If we announce it, maybe Congress will finally give me money for my wall. Paul, what do you think?

RYAN: The Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017, Public Law 115-97.

MILLER: OK it’s settled. We end family separation and start family stacking.

NIELSEN: But will stacking immigrants remind people of stacking slaves on ships?

SESSIONS: Well, it gives me the warm fuzzies, so… yes?

PRES. TRUMP: Let’s announce it today.

MELANIA: In this case, Donald, I am leaving you today. I have had enough!

MILLER: Good riddance. Sir, you’re better off without her.

SESSIONS: After all, she is an immigrant.

PRES. TRUMP: But she’s my cornerstone.

SESSIONS: Oh, well, if you…

PRES. TRUMP: For my new wall. She can be the cornerstone.

© 2018


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