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U.S. OFFERS TO WASH DISHES, MOW LAWNS TO PAY OFF BILL

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In an effort to reassure nervous creditors, the U.S. today unveiled a backup plan for paying off its debts, promising to wash 100 trillion dishes as well clean out Taiwan’s attic, babysit for Switzerland, and mow China’s lawn for, like, a year.

“Seriously, there’s lots of things we could do to make up what we owe,” said Treasury Secretary Jack Lew, who outlined Plan B in a conference call with creditor nations. “Brazil has a ton of leaves we could rake. In Russia, we could shovel snow because with the Olympics coming up they’ll need those sidewalks… wait wait wait… hear me out. What if we wash dishes? Cheap? Ten 10 cents apiece. If we did 100 trillion of them, that would be $10 trillion right there.

“We’d do an exceptionally good job,” Lew added. “Remember, we’re an exceptional country.”

The U.S. faces defaulting on its $16.7 trillion debt if Republicans in Congress don’t agree to raise the debt ceiling by Thursday. Economists and business executives have warned of dire consequences for America’s creditworthiness, but the White House insisted it could wipe out a large chunk of debt by cleaning Hong Kong’s gutters ($120b), walking the U.K.’s dogs ($157b), and polishing Japan’s silverware ($1.1 trillion).

The offer to mow the lawn of America’s largest non-U.S. creditor, China ($1.3 trillion), was reportedly well received, although the Chinese said they wanted weeding thrown in. And the U.S. would have to bag the clippings.

Talks between Secretary of State John Kerry and Taiwan, which holds $186 billion in U.S. debt, were not going as well.

KERRY: We could program your VCRs.

TAIWAN: We’re pretty good at electronics, thanks.

KERRY: We could organize your record collection.

TAIWAN: Our what collection?

KERRY: How about we take over your paper route?

TAIWAN: Seriously, how old are you?

While saying Plan B was not finalized, the Obama administration said it has already refused an “obscenely lurid” job suggestion from oil-producing nations to settle their $285 billion bill.

“The Saudis wanted us to, let’s say, sit on their laps, and frankly we said no,” Kerry explained.

“Actually, I’ll do it,” said Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC). “For, you know, the good of the country.”

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