MOSCOW (SatireWire.com) – The U.S. continues to be deeply divided over the fate of Edward Snowden as a new poll shows 38 percent of Americans believe the NSA leaker is a traitor who should die in spectacular fashion and not get the girl, while 46 percent think he is a hero who should escape into the Ecuadorian jungle with Eva Mendes or Zoe Saldana.
Only 11 percent of respondents think Snowden should have his brain removed by Chinese cybercrime lords who force the disembodied computer expert to do their evil digital bidding until a young punk hacker and grizzled FBI agent team up to delete him. That’s down from 19 percent only two weeks ago.
“Americans still can’t agree on an ending for Snowden,” said Gallup spokesman Clyde DeBuque. “Rogue Navy SEALS, a suspicious train wreck or blazing exit trying to escape on a Russian rocket were the most popular answers among those who felt Snowden’s life should end as a tragedy, while those who call him a patriot want him to be chased across continents and come close to death, but eventually wind up in an idyllic Ecuadorian village with a fiery Latin beauty whose own father was imprisoned for speaking out against injustice.”
The survey, released today, was met with harsh criticism from Snowden supporters, including WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange.
“This is someone’s life we’re talking about,” said Assange, whose group is paying for Snowden’s escape. “Edward Snowden is a brave man, an actual flesh-and-blood person, and you’re talking about him as if he were James Bond.”
But poll respondent Olivia Vann of Cincinnati disagreed.
“No no, he’s not James Bond,” said Vann. “James Bond never dies, whereas I think Snowden should die when the Cubans – who use him to crack into a secret Pentagon database – poison his ALT key.”
Brooklyn resident Carmela Glenn, however, agreed with Assange that Snowden is a courageous figure.
“I think Snowden is a hero and I hope they don’t catch him,” said Glenn. “That’s why he should only appear to die, preferably over the Atlantic when his plane explodes, but in actuality he wasn’t on the plane but sneaked out of the Moscow airport by Russian agent Emily Blunt, who is lovely and has a thing for science types.”
“For the last time, this is not a movie!” replied an angry Assange. “This is real. He could go to jail for the rest of his life!”
“Oh my God, if after all this he only ends up in jail… bleh,” said Glenn. “Unless… OK, he gets a job in the warden’s office and secretly transfers prison funds to an offshore account and escapes to live on a sailboat with Morgan Freeman.”
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