LEICESTER, ENGLAND (SatireWire.com) – After learning the remains of Richard III were found under a car park in Leicester, and not on Bosworth Field, Shakespeare scholars have moved quickly to update the classic tragedy to account for parking and traffic issues. Read on for the revision.
RICHARD III (UPDATED)
GREYFRIARS CAR PARK, LEICESTER, ENGLAND
Richard and loyal Norfolk stand on the car park of battle as a messenger arrives.
King Richard: What says Lord Stanley? Will he bring his power to this car park and stand with me? Space is tight but yon Ford Fiesta shall be leaving anon.
Messenger: My lord, Stanley doth deny to come.
King Richard: What reason?
Messenger: The coward dare not venture into Leicester Centre, for he hath not the coin to pay the parking charge, which hath risen 50p since the frosts of last October.
King Richard: Damn the local council!
Norfolk: Perhaps, my lord, ‘t’were better we had fought on Bosworth Field as planned?
King Richard: What? And lose this parking space? We waited close on an hour for it. And it’s half price for the Bank Holiday.
Norfolk: As you say, sire, but we are in danger here. The enemy approaches. Even now he nears the Tesco Express across from Kabob World.
King Richard: How can be this so? Did not they have to first cross the M1, then take the A46 to the A50 junction? Or perchance construction would guide their vomitous steeds to the A6.
Messenger: Unless they took the B327.
King Richard: Obviously.
Norfolk: Oh King would that they had! The scoundrels have come from the East, taken the A47 roundabout, and swung upon the A594 Flyover.
King Richard: ‘Tis a straight shot down Belgrave Gate Lane from thence! We are undone!
Messenger: Fear not! They still must take St. Charles Street and then left onto Haymarket. That signal takes forever.
King Richard: So there is hope?
Norfolk: Alas, my sovereign, our army itself stands much delayed. Those near cannot find parking, and those on the march have taken the A6 roundabout at the A46.
King Richard: Few can navigate those turnings!
Norfolk: Aye, they failed even so to stay left on the approach and hath squarely missed the exit.
King Richard: Foul news! Yet the fight is upon us Norfolk. Fetch our sword from the boot! To battle!
Norfolk: Sire the sword appears not!
King Richard: Oh. Right. Sorry. It’s underneath the floor mat, next to the tow kit. You’ll have to raise the rear seat first.
On the car park of battle Alarums sound. Enter Norfolk and Catesby.
Catesby: Rescue, my Lord of Norfolk! The king’s Vauxhall Astra is wedged in, and all on foot he fights. Rescue, fair lord, or else the day is lost!
Norfolk: Richard rides but a Vauxhall Astra? Oh King thy hump explained! How cramped and hunched he must be!
Catesby and Richard on another part of the car park of battle.
Catesby: Withdraw, my lord; I’ll help you to my Kia!
King Richard: A Hyundai! A Hyundai! My kingdom for a Hyundai! Or how about that Citroen van over there? See if the keys are in it.
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