DECATUR, IL. (SatireWire.com) — Agribusiness giant Archer Daniels Midland today announced it has successfully produced a pig made entirely of chicken.
ADM researchers say the new breed, which they have named puercopolloensis, or “chickpig” for short, has the outward appearance of swine and exhibits behavior similar to a normal pig. However, instead of pork, the inside is 100 percent chicken meat.
In comparison to actual chicken, the modified pig is not particularly healthier, nor is it easier to care for or more attractive.
“But it’s cool,” said ADM animal scientist Stern Agee.
“We actually came up with loads of other combinations,” Agee said. “A duck made out of tuna. A cow made out of wheat. Billy, over in transportation, has a 1973 Dodge Charger made out entirely of frog. It can jump and everything.”
Agee and colleague Bret Boher admit their work is not always successful – e.g., the butter monkeys never properly congealed – but believe the chicken-filled pig will have an immediate impact by increasing the chicken meat supply and lowering the price for consumers.
“A chicken has lots of bits that you don’t usually eat. Same with a pig,” said Boher as he and Agee led a visitor through ADM’s alternative livestock barn. “But our chickpig here is much more efficient. Everything is muscle, what you call meat. The eyes are meat. The hooves are meat. The organs are meat. It’s just one big… meat.”
Asked how it could live without functioning organs, Boher conceded it can’t.
“But it doesn’t suffer,” he said. “It doesn’t have a brain. Well it does, but it’s made of chicken meat.”
Boher then abruptly jumped into the nearest water trough.
“He’s made of salmon,” Agee explained.
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