WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Responding to America’s decision to allow women in combat, Taliban leaders today vowed to give guns to their women too so they could fight off their oppressors, until they realized that would be them.
Taliban commander Mustafa Fariz, speaking to reporters in southern Afghanistan, initially reacted with disdain to the Pentagon’s announcement that the ban on U.S. women serving in combat had been lifted.
“We do not allow our women to travel alone or speak to strangers or even to read, and you Americans give them guns?” Fariz scoffed. “This is a desperate act. Maybe we should give our women guns too, huh? How would you like that? Maybe like us they also would shoot down their oppressors and kill those who wish to enslave them and… oh, no, hang on.”
Like Fariz, not all insurgent commanders thought the idea through. In Helmand province, Taliban leader Omar Malik stood with his wife, Amira, who was holding a pistol for the first time.
“If America arms its women to fight the enemy, we will arm our women so they can fight the enemy,” Omar told a crowd of followers.
“Death to the enemy!” shouted Amira.
“They will destroy those who only wish to subjugate,” he said.
“Destroy the subjugators!” Amira echoed.
“They will defeat the tyrants,” Omar added.
“Defeat the tyrants!” Amira agreed.
“They will vanquish the Americans,” he said.
“Vanquish the… wait, who?” said Amira.
“The Americans,” Omar responded. “You know, the oppressors? Why are you pointing that gun at me?
“Hold still. It’s hard to aim through this burqa.”
U.S. women have actually served, and died, in combat areas for several years, but by repealing the ban, the Pentagon enables females to serve in infantry and front line roles. While the decision angered the Taliban, other American adversaries expressed dismay.
“Women do not belong in combat,” declared Khalid Abiq, a 23-year-old Alergian with al Qaeda surrogate Jabhat al-Nusra. “If I shoot one of them, my brothers will just say, ‘Oh big deal, Khalid, you shot a girl.’ And if I am killed by one, I will never hear the end of it.”
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