NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — In an effort to streamline terrorist sting operations, the FBI today said it has launched its own al Qaeda cell, which is much better funded and organized, allowing amateur ‘would-be’ terrorists to quickly become convictable, ‘is-now’ terrorists.
“It’s very difficult to catch people who might become terrorists because too often they never get the opportunity,” said FBI spokesman Mike Petarky. “It’s a business cliché, but it’s really all about networking. You can have all the hatred and rage in the world, but if you don’t meet the right people, you’ll never realize your potential.”
The FBI, Petarky boasted, is full of those ‘right people.’
“The Bureau carries out a dozen sting operations on terrorists every year,” he said. “Our people know terrorism inside and out: how to build a cell, how to increase membership, where to get weapons. And most importantly, we know how to plan a half-decent attack. Honestly, you’d be shocked at how much most sleeper cells suck at that.”
As evidence, Petarky cited the recent arrest of Bangladeshi student Quazi Mohammad Rezwanul Ahsan Nafis, who allegedly attempted to blow up the Federal Reserve Building in Manhattan.
“Seriously, people like Nafis would be nothing without us,” he said. “We have to do everything: give them the money, suggest targets, even sell them the fake bomb materials. That’s when we thought, ‘Hell, we could do this better ourselves.’”
The FBI-based cell, nicknamed the G-had Men, will be much more effective, promised cell leader Joey ‘Mustafa’ McCarthy, (not his real name).
“A lot of these sleeper cells leave you on your own, but we’re all-inclusive,” said Mustafa. “We provide food, shelter, literature, training, weapons. And since we’re government, the benefits are great. I mean, I’d blow up a building for full dental.”
But to create that indictable ‘is-now’ terrorist, the FBI goes a step farther.
“We’ll actually go out with the suspect and bomb something,” Mustafa said. “And before you start saying, ‘Hey, that’s irresponsible,’ we’ve already thought of that.”
Specifically, Mustafa said the FBI has learned from past mistakes, notably the Justice Department’s infamous “Fast and Furious” program, where the U.S. supplied criminals with weapons later used against its own agents.
“Fast and Furious was poorly thought out,” Mustafa admitted. “So in this new program, our agents are the ones who fire the guns and detonate the bombs. The ‘recruits’ don’t actually do anything. Legally they’re still terrorists, since they’re part of the attack, but no one can blame us for ‘arming the enemy’ because technically we don’t.”
While the FBI won’t comment on pending operations, Mustafa said his G-had Men have already been recognized for excellence, winning ‘Cell of the Month’ for October from the North American Extremist Association, a trade group the Bureau itself started.
“The G-had Men is by far the most organized, dangerous cell in the Western Hemisphere outside of Berlin,” said Mustafa, deferring to a terror network launched by Germany’s FBI counterpart, the Federal Criminal Police Office, which he conceded was, “really a model of radical, Aryan-Islamist efficiency. Scares the shit out of me personally. But that’s the Germans for you, right?”
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