WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Math – the universal science of number, quantity, shape, and space – was found dead in a Dupont Circle hotel room this morning, the apparent victim of suicide induced by its inability to adjust to American politics, where numbers have no meaning and reality does not add up.
In a rambling suicide note, written in Fibonacci and decoded, Math said it could no longer live in a world where it was so often abused, and blamed the U.S. presidential campaigns of Mitt Romney and Barack Obama for sending it over the edge.
“Gov. Romney said he could cut taxes, increase military spending, reduce the deficit, and it would all add up,” Math scrawled. “President Obama said he would decrease spending, invest in education, save entitlements, and it would all add up. And they both kept saying the same thing, over and over: ‘It’s math! It’s simple math!’
“But I’m Math, damnit, and I can’t do it I can’t do it!” Math lamented.
According to D.C. police, Math was found dangling from the midpoint of an ellipse. Its vertices were fixed and dilated.
“Math passed away at 7:19 this morning,” said Metro Police spokesman Lt. Marvin Tarten. “We know this because all our clocks stopped at 7:19 this morning and as far as we can tell it’s still 7:19 this morning because we’re now not sure what comes after 7:19.”
Math’s oldest friend, History, said existence had recently been difficult for its late colleague. The Greek government outlawed Math years ago, while Spain and other parts of Europe no longer took it seriously. Despite the setbacks, Math went to Washington, D.C., hoping to make a stand against chronic miscalculation.
“Math viewed Washington like a young man does New York City,” History recalled. “It thought, ‘If I can make it here, I’ll make it anywhere.”
But the dream quickly went fractal, said Georgetown psychologist Stefan Beurg, who was treating Math for polynomial depression.
“After just one White House deficit reduction meeting, Math started to doubt itself,” said Beurg. “Then after meeting with Romney aides, it just sat in its room for days miscalculating pi. Eventually it became irrational, started doing parallel lines. And then the harder stuff: nth roots, Platonic solids.”
“It’s sad,” said History, “but most of the time dreams don’t come true. Something like XX percent don’t make it. Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly what percent because Math is dead.”
But is Math gone forever? Maybe not, said another of its colleagues, Language.
“Math is kind of like Tinker Bell, like fairies,” Language said. “You have to believe in it. So I think we can bring it back. We just all have to say, ‘I do believe in Math. I do believe in Math!’”
At press time, however, Math was still dead. The Romney and Obama campaigns are expected to blame each other for not believing hard enough.
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