ROSWELL, N.M. (SatireWire.com) — In a giant leap from the edge of space Sunday, Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner shattered records for supersonic speed, high altitude jumping, and free-fall swearing in a nerve-wracking, 24-mile plunge to Earth.
‘Holy shiiiiiit…!” Baumgartner shouted as he stepped off his balloon-tethered capsule more than 128,000 feet above the New Mexico desert and descended into the history of free-fall obscenity. “I’m fucked I’m fucked I’m fucked!” he added, for much of the rest of the fall, which wisely had been put on 20-second tape-delay.
Only moments before, the enterprise had seemed in jeopardy as the daredevil could be heard muttering, “Bad idea bad idea bad idea” to himself, and, “Fuck no fuck no fuck no” to ground crew who were urging him to make the drop. But with no other way down, Baumgartner finally let loose both his grip and a string of what would become supersonic expletives.
In a 4 minute, 19 second free fall, Baumgartner’s body broke the sound barrier, dropping at 1,221 feet per second, or roughly 3,600 motherfuckers an hour.
“Not only did I fall faster than a motherfucker, I fell faster than I could even hear myself say ‘motherfucker,’” said Baumgartner in a post-jump press conference.
During the dive, he broke a string of 52-year-old records held by Baumgartner’s mentor and mission control leader, Joe Kittinger, who jumped from 19.5 miles in 1960 and swore at 614 miles per hour. Still, the exploits of the man known as “Fearless Felix” must be verified by the Federation Aeronautique Explétif Internationale before he can go into the record books as “Fucking Fearless Felix.”
It was no easy record to set. Baumgartner and his Red Bull Stratos team trained for five years for the jump. At one harrowing point during the fall, the skydiver tumbled out of control, causing those on the ground to fear for his life. While ground control tried to maintain contact, there was an uncomfortable 20-second radio silence as his family, and the world, waited.
“Felix? Felix, do you copy?” Kittinger asked. “Felix? Keep talking. Say something.”
Finally, a battered, weary voice broke through the static.
“Fuck that,” Baumgartner said, to cheers of joy and sighs of relief in the control room.
More than nine minutes after leaving the capsule, Baumgartner parachuted to the ground, dropping to his knees, where he raised his arms and thanked fucking God.
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