WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — For the first time in the nation’s history, the majority of Americans are not Protestant and are therefore going to hell, a new Pew Research poll concluded if you think about it.
Conducted by Pew’s Forum on Religion & Public Life, the survey found that only 48 percent of respondents identify themselves as Protestant, while 52 percent of Americans essentially said they have chosen, upon their deaths, to suffer forever amongst the infected pustules on the scarred and crusted lining of Satan’s anus.
Without actually using the term “usual suspects,” Pew points out that this new, eternally condemned majority contains the usual suspects — Catholics, Jews, Muslims, and whatever Mormons are. But it was the 49 million Americans with no religious affiliation – atheists, agnostics, “intellectuals,” and no doubt the sin-ridden, ungrateful runaway children of Southern evangelicals — who put the damned over the top, researchers would have found if they had dug a little deeper.
“America has always been a God-fearing fortress of Christian Protestant light, but like the Godless socialists in Europe, many Americans today are less interested in entering the gates of Heaven than they are spending eternity pleasuring Beelzebub’s serrated, maggot-infested genitalia,” the report stated, although not in those words specifically.
Unlike the shock the damned will feel as they depart this Earth and sink down into the fiery depths weeping and wailing in terror while being forced to consume their own flayed skin through a flaming straw made from their own entrails, the poll results did not come as a surprise. Since the mid 1980s, the percentage of non-Protestant damned Americans has steadily risen from 35 percent to its present 52 percent.
For the record, Pew spokesman Meyer Goldman denied the poll identifies the damned, but as he’s obviously Jewish and therefore condemned like all non-Protestants to spend the afterlife in the everlasting agony of having his eyeballs gouged out by foul-breathed eels which spring from the damned’s own screaming maw, that’s what he would say.
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