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Monday July 28th 2014    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

MEN LINING UP FOR LIFE-EXTENDING CASTRATIONS

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Only a day after a new study revealed that castrated men live significantly longer lives, surgical centers around the country were swamped with men demanding to have their testicles removed.

Men in Chicago wait outside a Cherry Pickers neuter boutique, a new chain owned by the Spay Club for Men.

“I was on a diet. I exercised. I took cholesterol medication. And all I had to do this whole time was cut my balls off? Damn, do I feel stupid,” said Joseph Barton of Phoenix City, Ala., who found a large animal veterinarian to do the job.

“We’ve had men lined up around the block since the news broke yesterday,” said Dr. Gil Sigurdsson, who usually performs castrations, also known as orchiectomies, on transgender patients in his Manhattan office. “We have never been so busy. It’s balls to the wall in here, literally. Also figuratively.”

“Seriously, it’s a safety issue,” he added. “It’s like a carpet of marbles. I’ve fallen down six times already.”

The study, published in the journal Current Biology, showed that castrated men lived nearly 20 years longer than “intact” men. The report was based on the life expectancy of eunuchs in Korea’s Chosun Dynasty, which ran from 1392 to 1910.

In San Diego, Cal., Robbie Cattermole was among the first in his area to have his testes removed after his wife Carlene told him about the study.

Cattermole conceded he would have preferred anesthesia, but Carlene convinced him that they would need all their extra cash for their now longer retirement together. Carlene also saved money by performing the surgery herself, he said.

Like Carlene, a surprising number of women have shown a keen interest in performing or encouraging the procedure, according to Chicago urologist Dr. Marvin Shaktar.

“We’ve had calls from at least a thousand women wanting to sign up their husbands and boyfriends, obviously hoping to prolong their relationships,” said Shaktar. “Kind of renews your belief in love, really.”

Planned Parenthood, meanwhile, has come out in support of the surgery, since it is a form of birth control. “But it’s not a spur-of-the-moment decision,” warned Planned Parenthood Director Naomi Wigan. “Men should think long and hard before they do anything … well maybe ‘long and hard’ isn’t the right way to put it.”

Contrary to popular belief, however, castrated men can still have sex, they just can’t impregnate. But there are drawbacks. The procedure is painful, and neutered men often report feeling emasculated. But that didn’t deter Lakewood, Ill., resident Karl Jenkinson from going through with it.

“I’ve been married 20 years, have three teenage daughters, and drive a minivan,” Jenkinson said. “Pain and emasculation were already part of my life.”

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