AMSTERDAM (SatireWire.com) — A team of extremely high astrophysicists revealed today that mankind has for millenia incorrectly depicted Earth upside down, a stunning development that means everyone traveling right now is going in the wrong direction.
The findings were announced at the annual International Earth Science Forum, which this year, due to budget constraints and a booking error, took place at a cannabis cafe in Amsterdam’s notorious De Wallen district.
Grouped at tables throughout the smoke-filled shop, dozens of normally reserved scientists exchanged revolutionary — if somewhat impromptu — research, including a team of concussively stoned geologists who insisted that if you look at Earth from the inside, everything on the surface appears to be backwards.
“This is… ever,” said one remarkably potted speleologist, responding either to the event or something in the ultraviolet. “Troglobite.”
In what appeared to be a keynote address, Svalbard University astrophysicist Sven Carlsson offered up the “Theory of Earthly Inversionismness” that he and colleagues from America and Great Britain had just come up with. “North and South are artificial, man-made constructs, like this paisley snake I’m holding,” said Carlsson, incorrectly identifying his tie.
Because there is no gravity in space, there is no up or down, Carlsson continued. Therefore, it’s just as likely that Asia, and not Australia, is down under. To prove it, Carlsson then leaned forward in his chair, put his head between his knees, and with some effort managed to view the underside of his seat. “Ha! Made in China!” he snorted, before toppling over.
The Inversion hypothesis was quickly followed by announcements from other esteemed and estewed scientists. In one presentation, a team of thoroughly Marley’d chemists speculated that if Earth were invisible, it could spy on the other planets without them knowing about it, while a group of particularly fitshaced marine biologists announced that if Earth were composed entirely of water and humans adapted, Aquaman would just be some guy.
Not to be outdone, a team of quakingly wasted seismologists theorized that if Earth got scared, it would scream like a girl, while a spliffload of cheerfully Chonged sedimentologists concluded that if Earth were transparent, we would be able to see up New Zealand.
In other IESF developments:
- A team of barkingly baked astronomers proclaimed that four Earths could fit in Uranus and just could not stop giggling about it.
- A team of spectacularly torched stratographologists announced they would travel to Australia to learn if Ayers Rock were a massive protuberance or just happy to see them.
- A team of badly tripping climatologists insisted global warming was not man made but that Earth instead has been placed on a rotating spit by God who is using the Sun to slow-roast the planet over 13 billion years in order to eat it.
In the meeting’s closing moments, the IESF was going to present its Lifetime Achievement award to South African paleontologist Jackson Holbern, but at the last minute instead gave it to Anders, who works behind the counter.
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