ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) — As Americans turn out in droves to purchase tickets for Friday’s $640 million lottery drawing, the nation’s managers, supervisors, and administrators are bracing themselves for someone to walk through their door Monday morning and tell them to fuck off.
“Just think, that could be me,” said Angela Cartwright, a hospital administrator in Chicago. “My chances are pretty good since every department and every floor has a Mega Millions pool going, and every department and every floor hates me for cutting benefits in half last year.”
In Charlotte, N.C., Staples regional vice president John Celney said he has a “really strong feeling” it will be him. “Last night I had a dream that the entire staff from my Chapel Hill store showed up at my office and told me to stick it,” he said. “Then I slapped the big red button on my desk and said, ‘That’s Easy!®’”
The odds of being the winner’s boss are the same as for winning the jackpot itself: 179 million to one. But managers can dream, said U.S. Chamber of Commerce executive Carol Mozler, even if they normally appear to have no imagination whatsoever.
“There is a tremendous amount of buzz and anticipation about Mega Millions in the management community,” said Mozler. “We have reports of some bosses refusing to come to work Monday for fear they will be told off by that creepy guy in the mail room, or the woman in the cafeteria who drools in the soup.”
Other administrators, however, are being proactive. In Basking Ridge, N.J., AT&T customer service manager Dermet Haj said he’s going to wear a wetsuit to work on Monday.
“I started charging $2 for cups of water last fall, so I anticipate the 20 folks in my department who have a pool going will dump the water cooler on my head while telling me to fuck myself,” he predicted. “That’s what my wife said she would do if she worked for a dick like me.”
Like the jackpot, that would set a record. “I’ve never had more than two or three employees at a time tell me to fuck off,” Haj said. “Not including the anonymous stuff.”
Whoever the winner’s boss is, the key is to maintain your dignity, said Dallas, Tex., restaurant owner John Gallia.
“Remember, you’re still the boss, so you don’t have to sit there and take it like a fool, even if you are one,” Gallia said. “In my case, I’ve already prepared pink slips so if someone comes in here with a shit-eatin’ grin and says, ‘Hey asshole, I quit!’ I will say, ‘Too late. You’re fired!’
“See, I get to have the last laugh,” he added. “All they get is $640 million.”
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