FALLS CHURCH, VA (SatireWire.com) — The original heart of former Vice President Dick Cheney will receive the nation’s highest honor – the Presidential Medal of Freedom – for its lifelong attempts to rid of the world of former Vice President Dick Cheney.
The Republican icon, 71, received a heart transplant Saturday night, effectively putting an end to the defective heart’s remarkable efforts. In the past 25 years alone, Cheney suffered five heart attacks, and though the former Vice President survived each one, the White House said the organ’s courage and sacrifice should not be overlooked.
“Even though Dick Cheney always recovered, I don’t think we could have asked any heart to do more,” President Obama said in a press release. “The fact that it was so willing to lay down its life to make the world a better place is the epitome of what this award is about.”
Established in 1963, the Presidential Medal of Freedom recognizes individuals who make an “especially meritorious contribution” to the national interests of the United States, to world peace, or to culture. Cheney’s heart was cited for two of the three categories. Ironically, President George H.W. Bush bestowed the same award on Cheney himself in 1991, although historians now suspect the medal was given sarcastically.
While too feeble to speak, the heart did release a statement through Inova Fairfax Hospital in Falls Church.
“As you know, I’ve dedicated the last quarter of a century trying to rid the world of evil, and I want to thank the American public for finally recognizing my battle in what I can only describe as the real war on terror,” it said. “It certainly hasn’t been easy, especially when people said (Cheney) didn’t have a heart. That really hurt. It wasn’t my fault that he ignored me.”
Touchingly, the heart also asked America’s forgiveness.
“The truth is, deep down in my me I wish I could have done more sooner,” it said. “So while I’m proud of trying, in the end I left my job undone. For that I apologize, not just to the nation, but to the young, innocent heart that now takes my place in that lair of deprivation and misery.”
Doctors say the original heart, shriveled and misshapen after years of misuse, will be kept alive as it had been during Cheney’s life: in a liquid suspension of bile, acid and fear.
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