CUPUTERINO, CA (SatireWire.com) — Children of divorce report a nearly 50 percent increase in their love for whichever parent is willing to buy them the new Apple iPad 3, according to a survey of American youth.
Apple is aware of the trend, targeting the divorced-parent market with a new ad campaign (right) that has so far proven highly effective. Of the 3 million iPads sold since its release Friday, 75 percent have been snapped up by either fathers without custody or mothers who want their children to at least pretend not to hate their new stepdad.
Family therapists warn against the temptation to “buy love,” a ploy often used by those who feel responsible for the breakup or guilty for trying to move on. The nation’s children, however, warn about the consequences of not trying.
“When my parents split, I was really angry with both of them, but I think the new iPad 3 will allow me to love one of them again,” said survey respondent Kyle Staunten, a Phoenix 8th grader. “The question is, who wants it more?”
Added Jackson Tallin, a 6th grader from Ft. Worth, Texas: “When my mom left my dad last year, she bought me an iPad 2, but now I realize it didn’t bring me closure. All this time I’ve settled for limited 3G love, when what I really need is full-spectrum, 4G love.”
“Or I can set fire to my room again,” he said. “It’s her choice.”
Love isn’t the only motivator, however. Some children point out that an iPad 3 purchase can be integral to family unity.
“My stepdad, Frank, is kind of a jerk, so I can’t see myself loving him,” explained Renata Garasso, a 14-year-old from Rahway, N.J. “But I could see myself calling him ‘Dad’. He’s kind of desperate, so I think it’ll be worth $600 to him.”
In Buffalo, N.Y., 12-year-old Chelsea Gravesnor has a more direct message. “When my dad moved out, I kind of sided with my mom,” she said. “But if my dad is reading this, I just want him to know that I can change my mind as quick as he can put down a credit card. But he should act now. My supply of love is limited.”
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