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AMERICANS TRYING HARD NOT TO PICTURE RUSH WATCHING SEX TAPES

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Rush Limbaugh’s assertion that a Georgetown University coed is a “slut” who should post her sex tapes online so he can watch has upset liberals and conservatives alike who really, really wish they didn’t now have a mental picture of Limbaugh sitting in the dark in front of his computer pleasuring himself.

This image alone has prevented 2,000 pregnancies since this sentence began.

Ewwwww…” moaned 34-year-old Democrat Carla Pewe-Reese of Cincinnati. “Why did he have to plant that image in my head? Why?”

“We should be talking about the economy and jobs, but right now that’s impossible when Rush has us preoccupied with the image of… of… oh God I’m gonna be sick,” added Don Westervale, a Republican from Houston. “Please, make it stop.”

Americans agree. In a new Gallup poll on the most important issue facing the country, only 12 percent said “Jobs” while 89 percent said, “Trying to erase the vision of Rush Limbaugh with his pants around his ankles.”

The outcry comes a day after Limbaugh spoke out against a female Georgetown law student for testifying in favor of health care coverage for contraceptives. On his radio show, Limbaugh called her a “slut” and a “prostitute,” and insisted she videotape her sexual encounters, then “post the videos online so we can all watch.”

While Democrats vilified the bombastic host and Republican leaders called his words “inappropriate,” the greatest victim may be the online porn industry, which has seen a 20-fold decrease in subscriptions and page views since Limbaugh’s tirade.

Boston University freshman ‘Derrick’ exemplified the problem. “I was at a porn site last night, and I was, well, you know,” he said. “I tried for 20 minutes, but all I kept thinking was, ‘What if Rush is watching this now, too?’”

If there is an upside to the controversy, some women say shouting the name ‘Limbaugh!’ is now more effective than the word ‘No!’ in fending off unwanted sexual advances.

Therapists say there may be no cure to this mental picture.

“I used it on my boyfriend Randy last night when I just wasn’t in the mood and it worked,” said Vanderbilt University junior Donna Kelleher. “Too well, really.”

“Yeah, I actually threw up,” Randy confessed. “I may never have sex again.”

While Limbaugh’s comments have so far only caused two of his show sponsors to pull out, young males across the country concede the thought of the rotund shock jock “massaging his microphone” makes them want to pull out.

“My girlfriend uses it as a contraceptive,” said Nick Degregori of Nashville. “When I’m close, she just says, ‘Limbaugh!’ and next thing I know I’m shaking like a leaf and we’re watching Lifetime movies on the couch. I really hate the guy.”

At Washington University in St. Louis, sophomore Gina Moss said she has modified her rape whistle to take advantage of the development.

“It doesn’t make a shrill sound. Instead, when I blow, it blares: “We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch,’” she said. “I hope to God I never have to use it.”

Copyright © 2012, SatireWire.com

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