BALTIMORE, MD. (SatireWire.com) — A sperm cell’s hopeful attempts today to convince an egg they should “try it from behind” have so far been rejected by the egg, who called the suggestion pointless, unnatural, and probably not even hygienic.
Pleas that the ovum at least talk dirty to the sperm have also proved fruitless and frustrating, the participants agreed.
The spermatozoon and ovum, belonging to husband-and-wife John and Sara Avides, 26, of Baltimore, got into the argument shortly after meeting this morning following the Avides’ weekly sexual encounter.
“At first everything’s normal. He’s using his motility and acrosomal enzymes to penetrate my zona pellucida and get to my oocyte,” said the egg as the now-brooding sperm flagellated nearby. “But then suddenly he stops and has this look. I say, ‘What’s up?’ and he says, ‘I was jus thinkin’…’
“Well you know what it means when a sperm says he’s ‘jus thinkin’. It means he’s ‘jus thinkin’ of how he can talk you into something you ain’t gonna like.”
The sperm, however, proclaimed his innocence.
“She’s got it got it all wrong,” the sperm insisted. “I just think we should try something different, just this once. I promise I’ll be gentle. I bet she’ll like it.”
The egg’s chilly response made it clear the idea was a non-starter.
“I told him, ‘You’re a sperm, I’m an egg, so let’s just do our jobs and get this over with,’” stated the ovum, who threatened to deactivate her receptors if he persisted. “Why’s he suddenly want to take me from behind, anyway? I mean, it’s pointless. I don’t think I even have a behind, and if I do, it ain’t open for his business.”
Fertility expert Dr. Lauren Sweshtein of the Yale School of Medicine believes societal change on the human level may be to blame.
“With the Internet, men have more access to porn than ever before, and as a result they need more stimulation to maintain excitement,” Dr. Sweshtein explained. “I’m not surprised this has trickled down to the gamete level. After all, a sperm is nothing but a man with a better sense of direction.”
But the egg said she was surprised, particularly when her progenitive suitor repeatedly asked her to “bend ovum and relax.”
“I was like, ‘For the last time, you can get into my oocyte, but stay away from my no-no-site, comprende?’” she said. “Then I’m like, ‘Give it up’ and he’s like, ‘You give it up,’ and I’m like ‘What is wrong with you?’ and he’s like, ‘What’s wrong with you?’”
After a brief and ineffective sulk, the sperm said he abandoned that approach and tried a different tack.
“I told her if she wants my glycoproteins, she’s got to be less procreate and more pr0ncreative,” he explained. “She could maybe talk dirty to me, or fantasize a bit, call me Coach Johnson or Principle Williams, something like that.”
The egg summarized that proposal in two words: “Awkward and creepy.”
At press time the sperm and egg were still not fertilizing.
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