MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA (SatireWire.com) – In an effort to stamp out any objections to the vast amount of personal information it gathers, Google today said it will change its name to Google-BFF, thereby making it “perfectly normal” for the company to know everything about you because you and the search giant are now officially Best Friends Forever.
Privacy advocates immediately condemned the announcement, calling it a trick designed to fool, “young, lonely, and insecure” people into thinking it’s OK to share information with a “soulless corporate entity.” Google-BFF spokesman Mike Amigo called those charges “inaccurate” and “hurtful.”
“First of all, as the Citizens United ruling made clear, we’re not just a company, we’re a person,” said Amigo. “And speaking as a person, calling us ‘soulless’ hurts. It hurts a lot.
“We’re just trying to make friends, alright?” Amigo went on, after a pause. “With everybody. Because we’re that kind of person. The kind of person who wants to know everything about you no matter who you are. Because no matter what, we’re your friend. Your best friend. Forever.”
As if to underscore that approach, the “Google Search” and “I’m Feeling Lucky” buttons on Google.com’s home page have been replaced by a single box reading, “Search. For Anything. We’ll Still Love You.”
Many Google-BFF users welcomed the newly minted relationship.
“I used to think that they wanted my information just so they could sell to me, but now that we’re best friends, I feel really bad for even thinking that,” said Waco, Texas dietician Mandy Chinsea, who shares her life with Google-BFF through Gmail, YouTube, Google Maps, and her Android phone. “I’ve never had a best friend before. Probably they know that, and still they want to be my… I’m gonna cry.”
For Vanessa Strangalend, a high school junior in suburban Denver, Google BFF is already better than her former “supposed” best friend.
“My last BFF was my boyfriend – I know, major mistake — and believe me I shared too much,” Strangalend said. “We were great, really hitting it off, until I told him I hated Hell Boy movies, and was really 16, and had Chlamydia. Poof, he was gone. Not even a phone call. Why are guys so sensitive about Hell Boy?”
Privacy advocate Ian Derschwald, however, urged Google-BFF users not to get too involved with the Internet behemoth. “The ability to know where you’ve been, what you’ve searched for, what you watch, and even what you think essentially makes Google a combination of your mother, your lover, and your drinking buddy,” Derschwald warned. “That’s not really a good all-in-one combination, if you think about it.”
Despite the warnings, Rutgers University freshman Viv Carlotti said she can’t wait to use Gmail and Google+ to dish on her ex-BFF Jenna Vertuccini, “who totally told Richard Patterson that Carla Whitehead did it with Robbie Givens even though I told Jenna not to tell Richard about it because Carla told me she likes Richard and it was a secret and Jenna did it on purpose because she’s been throwing herself at Richard who actually hates her and that makes her a total bitch and I bet my Google-BFF will agree.”
Learning of the allegation via Viv’s Google+posting, however, Google-BFF’s Amigo insisted the company has no interest in judging its users.
“We collect information in order to create a better user experience, a better friend experience,” said Amigo. “We do not in any way use the data to form a personal opinion on any of our best friends, including Jenna Vertuccini or Viv Carlotti.”
“Are you serious?” Viv replied. “Jenna is a total slut!”
“Oh my God I know, isn’t she?” answered Amigo, before catching himself. “I mean, no. No, Viv, I can’t let you talk that way about one of our BFFs.”
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