ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) — Campaign-based concussions have risen 120 percent in the last month as voters across the country are repeatedly banging their heads in frustration against walls, countertops, or the nearest available hard object, the CDC reported today.
“When you listen to what these candidates are saying, what their supporters are saying, and what the media is failing to say, it is almost impossible not to bang your head on something,” said CDC director Dr. Thomas R. Frieden. “Particularly in Florida, where negative ads can literally not be avoided, we are seeing catastrophic numbers. For many people, knocking yourself out is the only sure way to make it stop.”
The number of campaign-based traumatic brain injuries (CBTBI) is a three-fold jump from the famously aggravating 2010 elections, and is likely to get much worse before the campaigns end in November, according to a new study in the CDC’s Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. It is believed that by the Presidential election in November, more than 6 in 10 Americans will suffer a self-inflicted campaign-based concussion.
Frieden said walls, car dashboards, and television sets are the most common fixed objects used to cause trauma, although there are reports of voters using mailboxes, shelving, major appliances, trees, street curbing, support columns, and large shrubbery. Voters have also hit their heads with hammers, bricks, lightweight furniture, glass- and plateware, stereo equipment, Teddy Roosevelt biographies, shovels, satellite dishes, carry-on luggage and, ironically, political yard signs.
Due to the outbreak, the Federal Election Commission has mandated that all political advertising include not only candidate approval, but the following side-effect disclaimer: “The content of this commercial may cause confusion, headache, nausea, vomiting, depression, anger, diarrhea, anxiety, heart palpitations, and paranoia. In some rare cases your head may explode.”
CDC researcher Dr. Jane Withnall advised Americans to avoid politics if possible and be aware that symptoms might not develop immediately. “Keep in mind that if someone is showing signs of CBTBI on a Monday, it may be because of something that Newt Gingrich or Al Sharpton or Rush Limbaugh said last Friday,” she said. Withnall does not, however, advise voters to wear helmets until the elections. “In this case a helmet would simply become a readily available object to beat their own heads with.”
The injuries are spread across demographic groups and have become so pervasive that CNN medical correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta said he will shift his focus on traumatic brain injury from young athletes to voting-age Americans for the next year. In a report this morning, Gupta urged viewers to be aware of the symptoms.
“Headache is the number one symptom after a campaign-based concussion,” said Gupta. “Also, the person might have wild behavior swings, and have difficulty with concentration and memory. Basically, if they’re acting like Rick Perry, seek help immediately.”
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