COLUMBIA, S.C. (SatireWire.com) — Serial forgetter Rick Perry declared victory today after successfully being able to remember all three reasons he dropped out of the GOP presidential race.
“I’m suspending my bid because I’m not going to win, I’m taking votes away from others, and I’m running out of finances,” Perry told a roomful of supporters, barely pausing between reasons. “That’s… three!” he beamed as campaign manager Joe Allbaugh gave him a gold star.
In response, loyal staffers shouted, “We love you Rick!”, prompting Perry to point out that his name is also Rick.
As the press conference continued, Perry grew more excited about his newfound ability to recall things.
“Now that the pressure’s off, I can remember more, and I don’t mean just the names of Supreme Court judges or government departments I was going to cut,” he said. “Shoot, I can remember phone numbers, my dog’s name, probably all 48 state capitals.
“Just think, if I’da quit the race before Iowa, I coulda won there.”
The one-time Republican frontrunner then grew silent, causing the crowd to hush.
“Aw shoot, I can also remember some of the stuff I said on the campaign trail,” he mumbled. “Shoot, shoot… um…”
“Shoot?” coaxed a staffer.
“Yeah, shoot,” Perry said.
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