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IN NEW SPACE RACE, U.S. VOWS TO MATCH RUSSIAN FAILURES

MOSCOW (SatireWire.com) – NASA will begin sabotaging its own rockets in an effort to keep up with longtime space foe Russia, which has taken a huge lead by losing no less than eight spacecraft in the past year, including the Phobos-Grunt probe that crashed to Earth Sunday.

In response to the American escalation pledge, Russia said it will double its number of crashes by the end of 2012 by failing to install any navigation software.

Competing prototypes of hopefully unsuccessful U.S. (top) and Russian rocket designs

In response to that, the U.S. said it will launch rockets without enough fuel.

In response to that, Russia said it will launch a rocket with plenty of fuel but it will turn out to be diesel fuel and ruin the engine.

In response the U.S. said it will launch a rocket that seems to work absolutely perfectly but is actually afraid of heights.

In response Russia said it will turn its rockets on their heads and just shoot them directly into the ground.

In response the U.S. said it will launch a rocket with another rocket strapped beside it that faces downward ‘cause that would look cooler.

In response Russia said it will unveil a new “Boomerang” rocket that will be thrown by a giant robotic arm and return directly to Earth every time which doesn’t sound as damaging but is way way more expensive.

In response the U.S. said it will launch its next rocket inside of a mountain without first making an opening in the mountain.

In response Russia said it will tie a rocket to a mountain with a really long rope so when it tries to take off the rocket’s axle rear axle comes off. Like in the movies.

In response the U.S. said rockets don’t have rear axles.

In response Russia said ours do.

In response the U.S. said whatever.

In response Russia said it will no longer use the term ‘launch pad’ but instead use the term ‘horrific crash pad.’

In response the U.S. said it will change its launch countdown from “3-2-1-liftoff” to “3-2-1-oh-my-God-duck!”

In response Russia said its cosmonauts will be so drunk they won’t even be able to count down from 3.

In response the U.S. said its astronauts will be required to text while flying.

In response Russia said all its cosmonauts will be recruited from the ranks of Italian cruise ship captains.

In response the U.S. said “too soon.”

In response Russia said its next rocket will be made of butter and melt on the horrific crash pad.

In response the U.S. said it will make a rocket entirely out of grated cheese.

In response Russia said its rockets will be made from a crumbly cheese.

In response the U.S. said what kind of crumbly cheese?

In response Russia said it was thinking something salty, like Brynza.

In response the U.S. said an aged Edelpilz Blue might be better, especially served on a pear salad with walnuts.

In response Russia said that sounds delicious, but it’s allergic to nuts.

In response the U.S. said tell me about it, all our kids have peanut allergies. Literally all of them.

In response Russia said you have to be so careful nowadays, especially with school lunches.

In response the U.S. said you also have to read food labels. Everything has nuts.

In response Russia said it found out only yesterday that Caesar dressing has anchovies in it.

In response the U.S. said oh my God I’m never having Caesar dressing again I hate anchovies.

In response Russia said don’t be hatin’ on anchovies ‘cause the best anchovies in the world come from Russia and we put ‘em in lots of things.

In response the U.S. said yeah that’s probably why Russian food sucks so bad LOL.

In response Russia said dude what’s your problem?

In response the U.S. said dude what’s your problem?

In response the Russia said it doesn’t have a problem but you’re gonna have a problem when we launch a rocket made entirely of peanuts at the U.S.

In response the U.S. just like totally hung up on Russia.

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