DES MOINES, IOWA (SatireWire.com) — An angry, caustic Newt Gingrich today blamed his poor showing in the Iowa caucuses on the happy, positive Newt Gingrich that tried to win without going negative, and pledged to go on the offensive to stop his internal rival from undermining his once front-running campaign.
In an interview with CBS News’ Norah O’Donnell, the familiar, acerbic Gingrich said the upbeat, non-confrontational Gingrich had misrepresented the candidate, and went so far as to call him a liar.
“Newt Gingrich tried to make Newt Gingrich out to be this conciliatory, moral guy who could rise above the fray,” said Gingrich. “Everyone knows that’s just not who I am or what I stand for. Frankly, it’s a lie.”
“Are you calling Newt Gingrich a liar?” O’Donnell asked, incredulous.
“You seem shocked by it, but what else can you say?” Gingrich answered. “This is a man who, while opponents were launching millions of dollars in attack ads against him, said he would not go negative. This is a man who, while opponents were tearing him apart, said he could ignore it to focus on jobs and the economy. Does that sound like Newt Gingrich to you?”
“Actually, no,” O’Donnell conceded.
“The other day he actually cried during an interview. He cried,” Gingrich added. “I mean, seriously, what the fuck?”
To get his campaign back on track, the old, vindictive Gingrich said he will play hardball with his spinelessly optimistic foe.
“I will attack his family, his record, his faith, all the while sounding as condescendingly didactic as humanly possible,” Gingrich said. “I will literally rip out his aorta with my teeth, as Emperor Vestavius did to Titus Cicero.”
Afterward Gingrich said he plans to litter the hills of New Hampshire with caucus-winner Mitt Romney’s severed limbs, and nail Rick Santorum’s head to a pike on South Carolina’s Interstate 85, as the Athenians did to warn off the Boeotians.
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