BLOOMINGTON, IN. (SatireWire.com) – According to a new study, 58 percent of Americans’ fantasies are now Apple-related.
It is the first time more than half the U.S. population has shared the prime object of sexual fantasy, and also the first time a non-human has topped the list since Mel Gibson in 1992.
In the survey of 5,000 American adults by the Kinsey Institute, researchers uncovered thousands of Apple-related fantasies from men and women. The 10 most common:
WITH A STRANGER
Kate R., Oregon: “It’s the middle of the night and I wake up and there’s this strange man in my room and he’s frightening but rugged and handsome and he says, ‘Don’t move’ and I nod and he whips out this shiny new Apple device I’ve never seen and he says, ‘This one’s called…” and I say, ‘Shhh… no. We don’t need to use names.’”
WITH A CELEBRITY
Miriam L., New York: “Oh my God, Jeff Goldblum all the way. In the film Independence Day, there’s this scene where Jeff is alone in this room working on his trusty PowerBook 5300 with his shirt off. Suddenly he has this epiphany, picks the PowerBook up and hugs it to his muscular chest. I fantasize about that scene all the time. I play Jeff Goldblum.”
Richard P., Texas: “I have an iPad, but sometimes I think about having two iPads, at the same time. That would be hot. And when I get tired, maybe the two iPads would also, you know, interface. Connect. Hook up. That would be totally hot. I’d film that. On my iPhone.
Brandi R, Wisconsin: “I call Apple and order the ‘Office for Mac Student and Teacher Edition,’ and when I try to install the software it asks if I’m a student and I click the box that says, ‘Yes and I’ve been a bad girl.’ Because there’s a box for that in my fantasy.”
Carol F., Virginia: “I know it’s wrong to think about my best friend’s husband, but he’s, wow. He’s got the whole package: iPhone, MacBook Air, iPod Classic, AppleTV, plus a massive, 12-core Mac Pro with Xeon Westmere processors and two terabytes of memory. My husband, by comparison, has an iPod nano. Which is why I keep an external hard drive in my bedside drawer.”
Brad J, Florida: “Instead of turning on my Mac Pro from the front, I try to access it through the port on the back. The operating manual says not to, but I figure if I keep trying, eventually I’ll get my way.”
Richard M., California: “I’m an executive at work, but at home sometimes I like to be told what to do. For me, that means I’m installing OS X Lion and I get to the license agreement page and the button says ‘Accept’ and first I click ‘Decline’ and the software says ‘You must accept this agreement’ and I click ‘Decline’ again and the screen says ‘You Must Accept!’ and I’m like, ‘Please no!’ and it’s like “Accept! Accept!” and I click ‘OK God yes I accept!’”
Kevin N., Georgia: “My girlfriend and I are dancing in this club full of people and we get really hot and start taking our clothes off and we start making love right there on the dance floor in front of everybody. And the fantasy part is, they’re all Steve Jobs.”
Leona P., Colorado: “I have a 24-inch iMac with OS X Snow Leopard, and it’s great and all, but sometimes I fantasize about going back to my old PowerBook DUO 230 with Mac OS 7.6. I know it wouldn’t be as good as I remember it, but System 7 was codenamed ‘Big Bang’ for a reason.”
Nigel T., Massachusetts: “Usually my fantasy goes like this: my wife comes home from work and she gets on the Mac and it’s acting kind of slow and she says, ‘Nigel, did you install the latest Airport update?’ and I come in the room and say ‘No dear’ and she throws me over her knee and shouts ‘Bad boy! Bad boy!’ and starts spanking me with a 6-pin FireWire cable. And in my fantasy I never use our safe word, which is ‘QuickTime.’”
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