ST. LOUIS (SatireWire.com) – America’s sweltering summer of 2011 does have a bright side: U.S. sweat production is at record highs.
With heat indexes across the country regularly topping 100, American adults have doubled their per capita daily sweat output to 1.1 gallons. As a result, an estimated 29 billion gallons have been produced in July alone, a two-fold increase from all of last summer.
According to the National Endocrine Association, both eccrine and apochrine sweat gland production have shown significant gains, with output greatest in the sweat-producing states of the Deep South and Midwest, commonly known as America’s Underarm and Genital Area, respectively.
The bumper output was quickly hailed by the sweat industry as a proud achievement for a nation otherwise suffering from political bickering, rising unemployment, and even loftier temperatures.
“People in this country may not have jobs, but our glands are working overtime,” said Rollon Pell of the American Antiperspirant Council, a trade group. “This proves once again that Americans are the hardest sweating people on Earth. We’re not like your namby-pamby Canadians with their temperate summers, or your freeze-dried Swedes with their long winters, or your creepy, crusty Japanese with their ‘Ooo look at me I’ve got fewer sweat glands than everyone else.’ We sweat in places they can only dream of.”
Perspirational jingoism aside, the sweat surplus has so far failed to translate into economic gains. One reason is the lack of a viable domestic market for sweat, despite the logicality of selling it by the barrel, much like oil. Another drawback is that the thought of “billions of barrels of sweat” tends to make people wretch.
The U.S. Chamber of Commerce believes sweat exports may be the answer. While sweat-producing nations, particularly in Latin America, might offer lower-priced perspiration, Chamber endocrinologist Dr. Dewey White said the U.S. can offer what others can’t: American sweatceptionalism.
“Because of our diet of processed foods, U.S. sweat is higher in salt and potassium and we should push that angle,” said White. “Right now we’re looking at, ‘American sweat: full of minerals and freedom.’ That tested better than, ‘American sweat: smell the liberty.’”
A few inventive Americans, however, have already found ways to benefit from their increased sweat production.
On a cattle farm outside Chicopee, Neb., unemployed machinist Ken Kelly has rented himself out as a salt lick. He earns $10 an hour, or $20 an hour if he keeps his pants on.
In Salinas, Cal., meanwhile, part-time realtor Ben Bronfman has been covertly collecting women’s sweat at local gymnasiums, bundling it with a photo of each woman, and selling it on the Internet. His trial is next week.
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