CAPE CANAVERAL, FL (SatireWire.com) – The United States has thrown a giant hunk of metal at the sky again, according to mystified witnesses who watched it disappear in a cloud of fire and smoke above Florida.
It is the third time this year that these large, white-and-orange chunks have been hurtled into the air from this otherwise quiet coastal town east of Orlando. Area residents continue to be baffled as to why anyone would go to the effort.
“It makes no sense. Metal is really heavy. It’s not like it’s gonna stick up there,” said Charlene Mayvee of Banyon Cove. “And I like the sky. They shouldn’t be throwing metal at it and burning it up like they do.”
Like Mayvee, experts have been puzzled by these strange attempts since the 1950s, when people first began noticing giant hunks of metal were being shot upward from the ground.
“Over the years they’ve used different kinds of metal, in different lengths and shapes,” said Kenny Clayburn, an Internet expert on what he calls the U.S. Hunk of Metal into the Sky Program. “But they’re always pointy at the one end, which I suspect is what is supposed to dig into the sky and hold it in place.”
Clayburn said no one has reported the metal ever staying in the sky for long, although he conceded the chunks might be “way way up there” where we can’t see them.
As for the motive, some theorize the government is trying to dispose of the metal because it’s bad, or even dangerous.
“Obviously something’s wrong with all that metal, otherwise they wouldn’t be getting rid of it,” said Kit Nelson of Cocoa Beach. “I don’t like that they bring it to Florida either. Let them throw it into the sky where it came from.”
Whatever the reason, it is believed the U.S. spends an extraordinary amount of money in these attempts, which infuriates Orlando resident Joey Weaver.
“I think somebody in the government is getting money from the hunk-of-metal-into-the-sky lobby,” said Weaver. “Although it could also be some kind of nerdy club or cult that just likes to set metal on fire. Or hates the sky.”
Even more bewildering are the people, all wearing similar uniforms, allegedly inside the metal hunks. Russell Champlain, director of AirAngels, a Giant Hunks of Metal into the Sky watchdog group, believes they are guards sent to escort the unwanted material.
“Metal generally comes from the ground, so you’d need guards to make sure it stays attached up there,” Champlain said. “Then again, Florida fisherman report that a few minutes after it’s thrown up, some longish chunks of the metal land in the ocean, so obviously the metal comes loose even when under surveillance.”
Expert Kenny Clayburn, however, thinks the issue will soon recede into history. Clayburn’s sources say this was the last hunk of metal the U.S. will attempt to throw at the sky, which was welcome news to Charlene Mayvee.
“The noise always constipated my cat,” she said.
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