NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Donald Trump dropped out of the presidential race today, a “huge and monumental” decision that he claimed never would have happened if he hadn’t intervened to talk himself out of running.
“As you all know, earlier today Donald Trump announced he would not run for president, and I can tell you now that all of the credit for that should go to me,” Trump said. “For his own reasons, Trump strung us along and we all endured needless speculation. ‘Is he for real?’ ‘Will he run?’ ‘Are Americans really that stupid?’ None of that matters now, thanks to me.
“I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully getting rid of this issue,” he added.
Trump went on to say he was proud of what he’d accomplished during his speculative candidacy, which included getting Barack Obama to publish his birth certificate, putting the issue of China on the table, and bringing job creation to the forefront. But his greatest accomplishment, he said, was standing toe-to-toe with the shameless, egotistical hustler that only he could take on.
“Look, people don’t understand Donald Trump like I do,” he said. “He’s like the Chinese. He’ll try to screw you at every turn. You need a tough guy to go in there and say, ‘Hey, we’re not going put up with your crap.’”
In terms of heroics, Trump said his action was “right up there with the killing of Osama bin Laden in terms of making America a safer, more secure place to live.”
As for the future, Trump promised to continue fighting for America’s middle class by continuing to keep himself from running.
Copyright © 2011, SatireWire