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“CREEPED OUT” PLAYSTATION HACKERS RETURN IDENTITIES

NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) — Just two weeks after breaching the Sony Playstation Network database, hackers today returned the nearly 80 million stolen identities, saying many of them were so “sad,” “disturbing,” or “frighteningly abnormal” that they should never be replicated.

Despite stealing Charlie Sheen's identity, hackers said even he was not creepy enough to be put on a list.

“When we got into the network, we took away lot of stuff — addresses, credit card numbers, passwords – but mostly what we took away was that Playstation users have a very high creepiness factor,” said Ampli2D, one of the four hackers involved in the theft. “The truth is we don’t want to clone their credit cards or in any way pretend we’re these people. No one should. Ever.

“I’m serious,” he added. “Ever.”

Ampli2d said he didn’t want to get into specifics due to “recurring night terrors,” but said of the 77 million people whose accounts they inspected, about 8 million should never be allowed near sharp objects, small children, or, in a few cases, taxidermists.

Ampli2d and his colleagues broke into the database in mid April and spent the next week categorizing stolen accounts numerically, depending on how much detail they had on each person. But as they learned more about the users – delving into personal emails and even hard drives — they changed their groups to include categories such as “Sad,” “Creepy,” “Embarrassing,” “Appalling,” “Please God No,” “WTF?” and “Seriously, WTF?”

Domino, another of the hackers, said they didn’t make a “Gaming Obsessed Introvert” category as it would have been too large. She also refused to say what separated “WTF?” from “Please God No,” insisting she didn’t want to give anyone ideas.

“Really, really, really weird ideas,” she said.

Asked how bad the information was, Domino smiled. Then laughed. Then sobbed. Then shook violently for 30 seconds. Then frowned.

“You know how friends and neighbors of a murder suspect say they wish they could have seen it coming?” she said. “Well, let me just say that if you’re a friend or neighbor of Jared Lee Castlewood from Bellmar, Ohio, it’s coming. It’s most definitely coming.”

Domino also advised anyone who knows Carla Luciana Farzati of Siena, Italy, not to look under her bed, and insisted Kevin Doohan MacManus of Glasgow should never be asked where he got that scar.

Another accomplice, nicknamed MemeDeath, said he was more concerned by residents of an entire dorm of university students in Boston, who were put on a special Do Not Replicate list.

MemeDeath grew agitated at the suggestion that the students were put on the list only because they had no money to steal.

“Look, this isn’t about money,” he said. “This is about self-respect. This is about common decency. This is about… well… let’s just say it involves the words ‘fat-thwacking’ and ‘skin weasel.’ Which were terms I’d never heard before. And wish I never had.”

Three of the four hackers say they are now on medication.

According to reports, PlayStation users plan to file suit against Sony for failing to have computer safeguards in place, thereby exposing their information to intruders. Hackers now say they plan to sue Sony for the same reason.

Copyright © 2011, SatireWire

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