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Wednesday April 23rd 2014    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

N. KOREA WARNED WITH RANDOM U.S. MISSILES

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA (SatireWire.com) — In an unusually provocative and candid speech, President Barack Obama today demanded that North Korea abandon its nuclear program, warning the secretive nation, “Don’t fuck with us. We have missiles and shit that just go off on their own.”

"Missile like that? Shit. It could go anywhere," Obama said ominously.

To prove his point, the President, speaking to U.S. troops ahead of the G20 summit, showed a video of the “mystery missile” that appeared off the coast of California this week. While military and aviation experts now say the “missile” was actually an airplane, Obama more than hinted that this might, or might not, be true.

“I don’t know, man. I mean look at that. I guess that looks like an airplane. If an airplane has no wings and goes 10,000 miles an hour and has a warhead with ‘Pyongyang, thank you ma’am’ written on it.”

“Probably written in blood or something,” he added. “Our missile guys are loose crazy like that.”

The President also suggested missile firings were not the only randomness problem facing President Kim Jong Il. “I got the 82nd Airborne, right? Those cats are out of their minds. I don’t even know where they fuckin’ are half the time. They could blow up your palace tomorrow morning and I’d be like, ‘How the fuck did that happen?’”

The warning comes as North Korea continues to refuse to allow U.N. inspectors into its nuclear facilities. It has also conducted several nuclear weapons tests and long-range missile launches in recent years, which the President addressed directly.

“You do missile launches too, huh?” Obama said. “Yeah, that’s cool. I’ll bet your launches are pretty controlled, pretty organized. But you know, we’re the Land of the Free. And missiles, sometimes they get free. Maybe I don’t find out till after. Which is too late to warn you ‘cause by then, you know, ‘boom.’”

The President later reiterated the threat at a joint press conference with his South Korean counterpart, Lee Myung-Bak, who stood behind Obama and made explosion sounds.

Pyongyang had no official response to the warning, and Korean observers say Kim Jong Il is unlikely to be moved. The autocratic state broke off six-nation talks last year, leading to international sanctions that are crippling an already devastated economy. That will not change, Obama promised, unless Kim comes to the negotiating table.

“North Korea’s pursuit of nuclear weapons will only lead to more isolation and less security,” Obama said. “So they have two paths available. If they choose to fulfill their international obligations, they will have the chance to offer their people lives of opportunity instead of poverty. If they don’t, hey, crazy bat shit missile shit.”

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