FACTORY ORDERS PLUNGE; "MOST CONSUMERS CAN'T AFFORD FACTORIES" CITED AS POSSIBLE REASON

“Factory Orders Plunge 7.5 Percent” – AP Headline, 9/01/00 Factories Also Can’t Be Purchased Online, Say Analysts WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – The Commerce Department yesterday reported that U.S. factory orders… Read more

LAID OFF SECURITY GUARD ESCORTS SELF FROM BUILDING

Watches Himself “Like Hawk” to Make Sure No Corporate Secrets Stolen San Francisco (SatireWire.com) – Thirty-two-year-old security guard Eddie Dupree, laid off yesterday from semiconductor firm Broadcom, gave himself an… Read more

ATLANTA NOW LESS BUSY, FINALLY HAS TIME TO HATE

Business Slowdown Frees Up Time to Take Part in Prejudice, Discrimination Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) – According to a new federal report, Atlanta, which has long billed itself as the racially… Read more

SMALL INVESTORS URGED TO LEAVE PANIC TO PROFESSIONALS

“Market watchers blame much of last week’s sell-off on institutional investors. Some mutual fund managers are selling out to raise cash just in case more individual investors cash out in… Read more

JUSTICE TO BREAK UP APPLE FOR TURNING MICROSOFT INTO MONOPOLY

Alternative OS Maker Used Anti-Competitive Practices Against Itself Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) – Microsoft and the U.S. Justice Department Friday announced a settlement in their landmark anti-trust case that calls for… Read more

ANTI-TERROR BILL REQUIRES AMERICANS TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP

F.B.I. Predicts New Microsoft OS May Render Carnivore Obsolete Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – President Bush signed sweeping anti-terrorism legislation Friday that gives police unprecedented ability to search and eavesdrop by… Read more

WITH MORE TIME TO SHOP, THE UNEMPLOYED SHOULD BOOST HOLIDAY SALES, SAYS GOVERNMENT

Bush Urges Unemployed to Be Patriotic, Stay Unemployed Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – A bleak jobless claims report released Thursday put the number of out of work Americans at its highest… Read more

PHILIP MORRIS TO CHANGE NAME TO ALTRIA; LUNG CANCER TO CHANGE NAME TO PHILIP MORRIS

Rebranded Disease Gains Universal Negative Brand Imagery New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Just days after Philip Morris declared it will change its name to the Altria Group, lung cancer today… Read more

SEGWAY TO SPREAD CLASSIC AMERICAN LOOK

Big, Slow, Unwilling to Go Short Distances Under Own Power In Europe, the product will be sold under the name SegWeight Madrid, Spain (SatireWire.com) – Thrilled by the new Segway… Read more

INVENTOR UNVEILS MACHINE THAT'S NOT A GODDAMN SCOOTER, OK?

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – After a year of intense speculation and unprecedented hype, inventor Dean Kamen on Monday unveiled the “It’s Not a Goddamn Scooter, OK?”, a revolutionary transportation… Read more
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